Wondering How You Can Save Some Dough (but not your dignity or pride so much)???

*Insert Clever Subheading Here: *

          Well, I hate introductions, because I usually can't think of anything particularly clever to say, then I get frustrated and the stress causes this cramp in my neck and--I'm rambling.

          So then why am I doing this? I genuinely don't know. Perhaps to quench my thirst for feeling like I've done something when (clearly) I've done nothing at all...anyhow, I'm sorry I wasted seven seconds of your time. Please enjoy the rest of the article

So How Do you Get Money the Unique Way?

*Tacky enough a picture for you?*

Way 1:

Provided you have one, sell your home! Obviously you can get a few dollars from getting rid of your house. Even if it’s only ten dollars. Hey, how many dollar-menu cheeseburgers can you buy with ten dollars? That’s right! About eight (taxes, baby). Sure you’ll be homeless and have to live in a shelter, but you won’t lose money paying taxes on a house. But if it seems too outrageous, I guess you can always ask to keep legal rights to your lawn. You can dig an underground shelter (I assume you already know how), meanwhile, they get stuck paying the bills. 

[this is the part where you realize how mildly entertaining, yet meaningless this article is...yet something inexplicable drives you. Or not.]

Way 2:

You could always sell your organs to a black market dealer, but I’ve heard that their doctors don’t take VISA! So if you’ve got a problem with CASH-ONLY doctors (I know, it isn’t fair to us fellow credit card users), then just stick to selling your blood at Blood Drives. *That was probably the only legitimately good suggestion in this list – fair warning*

Way 3:

Take old, dead batteries and using them, make a monument that people will see for miles around (for tips on becoming a master of art, develop time travel and speak with Da Vinci, although you may need a translator app, since I think he spoke Italian). Use AA or D batteries only for the monument. AA ones are easy to find and D batteries are big. It’s practically common sense. By the way, make money by charging people to touch your monument, and maybe claim it has powers and charge people more to pray to it, or get advice from it. This method is risky in terms of being persecuted by God and sent to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks!

Way 4:

Sneak into the medical waste bins behind a local hospital or doctor’s office and steal their used needles. Melt them down for metal and sell the metal at the nearest junk yard. If this process takes too long, junk the leftovers from your battery statue. Be careful though. Batteries have chemicals and chemicals hurt your skin (particularly, battery acid!) so it’s possible you should not melt your batteries. Recycling is always good too (for the batteries, not the needles)…that is, if you get PAID. If you don’t, let the batteries rot in a nearby dump. They’re dead batteries anyhow, and thereby deserve a proper burial.


Way 5:

Learn how to pickpocket and brag about how you can pickpocket, but never display your ability. Do this for several months, bragging but never proving it. This provides you with doubt from them. Always let people think that you’re just talking trash, so when the urge finally strikes you…hehehehe. They’ll never believe it was you!

*but don’t do anything illegal unless you have first gained immunity from the law with our National Government*

Way 6:(books)

Take used books (a lot of them) and create a library in your backyard. Maybe you have a large box or toolshed so it can be indoors. I’m assuming you’ve sold your house (Way 1), but managed to keep the rights to your lawn. If people don’t come to your library, make them. Interpret that however you may. However you may…*evil wink* (you could also makes a book statue to pray to going off Way 3)

Way 7:

Offer advice. Just hold a sign in the middle of an intersection (avoid getting killed by moving cars) saying:  Free Advice – one doller.

You must deliberately misspell dollar so that people are surprised by the mistake (and the irony) of it. They are curious and give you a dollar (if you did it correctly – assume that anything that goes wrong is Your Fault…and not mine). You simply say something sarcastic like, “Don’t give your money away before you see what your buying…there’s your advice. Light’s changing green, you should probably go.” And being forced by traffic they must leave. Another tip is not to work the same street too long. They catch on, get mad, and possibly seek revenge.

Way 8:

Take pictures of people on the street and threaten to display them in awkward public places (the town square or – big gasp – the Internet). Feeling threatened to have their image soiled or having a criminal record and fearing prosecution, they give you money to delete the picture. As a heads-up, this is another dangerous way to get money. If they really feel threatened they may take matters into their own hands. This is bad for you if you are not a trained karate instructor. If you are, well, I wish you luck.

Way 9:

Convince a few gullible children that if you don’t get a certain amount of money you won’t be able to afford to pay electric on the Sun, it will go out, and we all will die. This is very useful if you go to school with gullible kids or ride on the bus with them. Or have friends whose children are susceptible to this kind of deception. Just make sure (first off, that you have no morals) that they pay you in ten-dollar bills. They have them…trust me.

Way 10:

Win the lottery! Not really, but instead how about make your own? What? *talks with associate* Ok, never mind. Apparently that’s not legal, but what is legal is walking dogs. And how fantastic would it be to shave those dogs and use their fur to make mittens and socks (learn how to crochet from a book in your Toolshed Library), then sell them to high bidders? But it may be best to clear this up with the dog owner first. If he says no, GIVE UP.

     Why, you ask? Because if you’ve actually performed the other steps, I imagine you’ve been beaten, bruised, threatened, and are pretty much rejected by your entire surrounding society. A better step at this point may be to move to a new city (country, if convenient). Make money somewhere else. Perhaps go back to school and get a job (or marry into wealth – I think Queen Elizabeth is still available)

One last thing:  I think it's fair to say, don't do any of these. It’ll probably have a horrific, and completely ineffective ending!

Also, be sure to wear a helmet while holding signs in the street. Safety before anything else, unless you’re a headless creature. If so, I congratulate you on your eagerness to live a difficult life...

...and managing to read this article at all.