Think back to the days of old when hospital Emergency Rooms were actually for emergencies!! Well, those times are long past. Today's ER more closely resembles a flophouse, child care facility or lounge and the ER funny stories that accompany these patients are hilarious. Enjoy these 20 funny emergency room chief complaints and remember how good your life really is!

Ran out of liquor so I decided to detox.

The timing is perfect!!

Smoked some bad crack and now I feel dizzy.

As opposed to the high quality crack that they normally smoke.

Attacked by Indians.

Not Cleveland baseball fans or residents of the Asian subcontinent…genuine INDIANS!!

Stepped on a Nazi landmine and felt all the bones in my legs sucked out.

It should be noted that this patient walked into the ER.

My son seems short for his age.

At four in the morning? He'll never get taller without some sleep.

Shark bite.

From an Iowa ER.

Belly button lint.

Forceps, stat!

My arm tingles on Wednesdays.

Friday is reserved strictly for the "jimmy" leg.

Have had back pain for seven years.

So, it makes total sense that the Emergency Room would come into play now. Hopefully, they caught it in time.

See bugs in my hair, asked someone who wasn't high to look and he saw them too.


Wanted to see how this ER compares to others in the area.

Our ER is lovely and we have far more patience for people with moronic chief complaints.

I have a hair on my chin and want it removed.

You should have come to the ER weeks it is too late!

Shot myself in the foot and tried to walk it off, but my wife made me come in.

Aaah, wives…always nagging. Take out the trash, do the dishes, go to the ER for your gunshot wound. A fellow just can't get any rest.

Patient threw a wrench at a ten year old girl; she ducked and hit him with a tire iron.

The patient was a 35 year old man! That will teach him to mess with grade school thugs!

My dog ate my toe.

Sadly, this was NOT a psych patient and it was true.

I was assaulted by a SWAT team and hit with a lead pipe.

It is Special Weapons and Tactics. Does a lead pipe count as a special weapon?

I have gentile warts.

All part of the Jewish Conspiracy, no doubt.

My moms says I need to get out of the house more.

Yeah, so the ER should definitely be on the list of fun hotspots.

I got a Cadillac in my eye.

Fortunately, they could still see well enough to drive to the ER.

I pass gas a few times a day.

Welcome to the world!

And a final BONUS:

I drank a bunch of yellow Listerine and feel sick. I was careful not to drink the green kind 'cause that can make you toxic.

The next time you have to visit an ER, make sure that your chief complaint does NOT end up on someone's ER funny stories list! If you enjoy funny (and TRUE!) medical stories, read The Placebo Chronicles: Strange But True Tales from the Doctor's Lounge. It is a riot!