While I watch the hand of the clock reach 12 and the world is still asleep, I suddenly realized that I am exactly in the middle of my 30s. I know that by the time world wakes up several hours from now, friends, relatives and people who think they matter to me will start calling me to ask the legendary question: Why are you still single?

I am pretty sure that like most who are still single in their 30s, I really have no answer to that question, I will attempt to come up with some. Here are possible reasons I am still single at 34:

  1. I forgot the name of my ex-boyfriend… while I was talking with him… when we were still together. True story. You can’t make this sh#$ up. While I can probably stop this list at 1 and everyone will understand why I am still single, I promised 34 reasons.34 Reasons Why I’m Still Single at 34
  2. I refuse to date anyone who doesn’t know the difference between your and you’re and it and it’s. Oh man! That limited my choices to like 150.
  3. When I was young, I was fat and had no fashion sense. Now, I’m old, fat and have no fashion sense.
  4. My ideal man is someone who looks like Colin Farrell, has the brains of Jon Stewart, guts of Kobe Bryant and manners of Ned Stark. Sadly, they are gays, dead or serial killers.34 Reasons Why I’m Still Single at 34
  5. My uncle asked all his daughters to stay away from me when we were kids because I was a flirt and would most likely get pregnant and get married early and I am out to prove him wrong.
  6. I often forget my own birthday.
  7. I speak a third language but I am yet to identify from where is that language.
  8. I was always told to choose someone who is genetically superior especially in the “looks department” because our family is not blessed on that aspect. The problem is that those men with superior genes refuse to choose a girl with inferior genes. This is a very critical component because all my nieces and nephews who got two bad genes regularly curse their fate. I’m sure when we are not around, they curse us.
  9. My idea of a romantic date is an Anderson vs GSP match.
  10. I was driving yesterday in the neighbourhood where I spent the last 35 years of my life and I got lost and I was just ten minutes away from my house.  
  11. I asked my ex-boyfriend to sleep with someone else while we were still together. True story.
  12. I’m still not over my ex, Derrek. He broke up with me in 5th grade because the new girl, Sophia, liked him and she promised not to eat his lunch. True story.
  13. I turn to an irritatingly moody middle-aged woman when I have work and an even more irritatingly moody middle-aged woman when I don’t have work.
  14. A fortune teller told me my husband will die. For the love of god, of course he will die. Do you expect people to be immortals?
  15. I use the names of my exes as character in the movies I write and these movies are usually Rated 18 for too much violence.
  16. I firmly believe that Eli Manning is better than Peyton Manning and that all players should be required to take off their shirt in the World Cup.
  17. 75% of my married cousins are separated , 24% unhappy and 1% is lying about being happy and contented.
  18. My idea of a romantic vacation is in North Korea.
  19. In the words of someone I knew in college, I am ‘not woman enough’. I don’t like sweets, I don’t like dressing up, I don’t demand guys to let me know where they are all the time and I say exactly what I mean. Example: I say no when I mean no and yes when I mean yes.
  20. I am not ugly. I swear I am not but I look ugly. Okay, that requires a bit of explanation. All my cousins are beautiful. So… it’s not that I’m ugly. It’s just that I look ugly when I am with them because they are beautiful.
  21. I believe Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are absolute geniuses. To date, I have no idea what they do and they are raking in millions while people like me spend hours writing lists like this for pennies.
  22. I’m a frustrated astronaut. I like space.34 Reasons Why I’m Still Single at 34
  23. I like smart men and anyone who ever wants to go out with me is probably not smart. In fact, it might be the total opposite of smart. It’s a life of irony.
  24. I have the appetite of 10 construction workers. I make men feel insecure. Men have actually seriously questioned their masculinity after eating with me.
  25. When I was 7, I was watching a Lakers game. Four seconds, the other team was up by 1, Puple and gold has the ball. I said, “Please God, let them sink this and I won’t get married.” Nothing but the net. Lord, I was seven, please forgive my transgression.
  26. Mickey Mouse makes me giddy.
  27. Karma. Sarcasm is my go-to defence mechanism. I don’t scream, I don’t shout and I certainly don’t throw things when I am upset. I’m just sarcastic… and now life is being sarcastic at me.
  28. I insist on getting married in a country where divorce is easy.
  29. The last time I went for a psychological evaluation, the psychologist asked me if I forgot to take my medication.
  30. The last time I went on a date, I was so bored that I told the guy I wanted to go home early. When he asked my why, I told him my husband is looking for me. True story.
  31. I once introduced my ex-boyfriend as my girlfriend.
  32. There is a slight possibility that I really have no idea how to be a girlfriend. I asked advice from my friends on how to be a girlfriend but when I applied those, my then boyfriend thought I can’t seem to decide whether I’d be a complete lunatic or serial killer.
  33. I’m a terrible judge of character. After all, the friends I made in college are still my friends. I have absolutely no idea why they are still in my life.
  34. I can’t walk in heels.

There it is, 34 possible reasons. Happy birthday to me.