How many of you dreamed as a child of becoming a pirate? Sailing the open ocean looking for treasure not a care in the world because you are free. What happened to that dream? Did a job, school, or insignificant other, get in the way and beat you down? Well you’re in luck, after reading this guide you will be ready to can your job and dump that useless sack of meat you call a partner and listen to your true calling of becoming the Blackbeard of the modern sea.
1) Weapons and Attire
First things first, how can you become a pirate if you do not have the proper attire? And don’t go to your local costume store and pick one out that's not legit, you’re a true breathing and smelling pirate. The first step in becoming a pirate is simple, stop taking a shower, real pirates don’t bathe often and neither should you, before even figuring out an outfit I would suggest not bathing for about 3-4 weeks to really build up that pirate stench, and maybe in your spare time do some physical labor to increase the rate of time/smell ratio.
Now that you have the smell of a pirate you must look like a pirate. In my opinion wearing traditional pirate attire is a bit old-fashioned as well as overbearing. When you’re out at sea with the sun beating down on your face wearing 3 layers of clothes and boots are out of the question. Wear something loose that allows you to sweat, yet at the same time look like a captain. But the most important part of your pirate attire is an object or look that sets you apart from others: a santa hat, clown nose, mutton chops, something that gives you a sense of notoriety for people to remember you by.
The last thing you need yet probably most important is a signature weapon. Without one you are dead in the water. Of course they're the basics such as a scabbard or flintlock pistol, but you're more creative and classy than that, I don't take you as a boring shrew. How about a boomerang from my friends down under? A giant slingshot pelting wooden shoes at other pirate scum? A sword gun! Yes a sword gun, your weapon is only limited by the imagination, be original, and show those classless Somalis what a real pirate looks like
Now that you look like a pirate its time to travel like a pirate. Without a ship a pirate just becomes a bandit and let's be honest, bandits just aren’t cool. So how does one acquire one ship? Simple, liquefy and sell your assets. Your house your car, who needs them when you can have something that you can live in while simultaneously traveling on the goddamn water?
After selling off all of your assets will buy a decent sized vessel but I still suggest trying to find a deal. Boats that have a history of drug trafficking or murder will usually sell for less than boats that were not involved in drug trafficking or murder so go with the murder vessel.
Eventually as you gain infamy over the vast blue you’re going to need a bigger ship. At this point hijacking a Carnival cruiser would be wise as it has the space to offer plenty of room for you and your crew. Minor adjustments such as attaching weapons on the cruise ship will become mandatory, as you need to defend your crew from pirates and the navy but if you are able to take a cruise ship finding a couple of cannons and missile turrets aren't a big issue, just talk to some russians.
3) Consummate a Crew
Now that you look like a pirate and ride like a pirate its time to gather some pirates. A crew is the most important thing a pirate captain can have is they will become his or her family. Eating with each other, fighting for one another, sleeping with each other…..sleeping on the same boat near each other, if you don’t have a reliable crew, you will never rule the ocean blue.
But what are the basics of a pirate crew? Heres a rundown of the most vital members of your crew:
Without these roles being filled, your crew will not function in a proper way and most likely disintegrate before reaching your goal. Choose who you want to join your crew wisely as after they join your crew they’re there for life.
Withe the first mate I would go with a friend that you know would bury a body for you 30 minutes after you called them. Someone faithful, loyal, trustworthy, and at times intimidating, that’s why for your first mate my suggestion is that you go with a dog.
The cook obviously need to know how to cook as you do not have the proper plumbing to deal with one who can’t. The cook should know a large variety of cooking styles and recipes based on the country you are near at the time.
The Navigator must read maps, GPS, and coördinates, as well as being sexually attractive. The shipwright has must mend the ship as well as lead the engineering crew and the doctor need to act as a doctor….a doctor.
The rest of the crew is dependent on what you please, but remember that the more mouths they're the more they're to feed and cure, as well as a larger food supply but I suggest against cannibalism it never seems to go over well with the rest of the crew.
4) Eat a devil fruit
If you have followed my earlier steps to a T you should already have the attire,ship and crew as well as most likely taken out a couple third world countries. But the question I get most often is “Hey I’ve followed your advice and now I have a clown nose, a blood stained boat and a dog, what’s next?” What’s next my friend is for you to go and get a devil fruit.
What’s a devil fruit you ask? A devil fruit is the greatest fruit known to man that's what. The devil fruit is a fruit grown on uninhabited islands in the pacific, that once eaten you no longer have swimming abilities, yet in spite of becoming an Ocean hammer, you garner unimaginable power. I have seen men stretch their limbs as if they were rubber, create sound waves that destroy ships with their bare hands, and one that can turn their body into light itself.
Finding these fruit are truly rare and many spend a lifetime unsuccessfully hunting island to island yet never get to caress this elusive fruit with their hands. Yet if you are truly destined to become the Poseidon of our time, your will and tenacity to push through the hardships could certainly help garner the power you so certainly crave.
If you are able to find a devil fruit you are just about ready to battle with the world. People cower at the sight of you or your name. Ships stay 5 knots clear of you wherever you venture to next, and your crew considered by many inhuman in competence and loyalty. But what is the one last ingredient needed to make a bowl of pirate king stew? This next step is most vital of all and without it your journey will most definitely falter and sink. What is this must have advice?
5) Become an actor or author
What are you stupid? Why the hell would you even attempt to become a pirate lord? Do you know what creeps out in the ocean? Aircraft carriers and submarines with enough firepower to destroy 3 countries, how would your dinky ship and crew of low lives and misfits compete against a multi-trillion dollar military machine?
If you want to make yourself king of the seven seas then write a story or script about doing so. Or you could throw away everything and try becoming an actor and if you are extremely lucky get a role in a pirate movie when or if ever another one gets made again.
You know what maybe just begin reading or watching Eiichiro Oda's sea odyssey One Piece would be the best use of your time living out your pirate fantasy. It’s quite good if you give it the chance. Humor, Violence, Adventure, Friendship, One Piece is everything you can ask for in a pirate adventure story and with the story a little half way done at the moment there’s plenty of time to catch up.