Experiencing Khao San road in Bangkok is probably one of the best things you can do as a tourist in the area. While this area does have something to offer for any age level, it seems like this particular road caters to the younger generation of travelers and tourists.
Staying on Khao San road as a young male seems like the ultimate dream upon arrival. Filled with sexy foreign women, a warm climate, endless party scenes, and cheap liquor, anyone who is half human has the ability to find fun here.
Experiencing this place first hand, I must admit that there are some do’s and do NOTs that come associated with dealing with Khao San road. This place can be all fun and games until you wake up with not only a horrible hangover, but a sore as* hole as well. (for the record, I managed to avoid the sore as* hole. I just feel the need to make that very clear to all the readers out there.)
I don’t care what your into, what you have seen in the past, what your morals are, or what your priest told you, you must……I repeat…. YOU MUST…..see a ping pong show. Yes. A ping pong show. While this sort of thing may not be up your alley, trust me, these shows will leave you absolutely awe struck. Although you may very well experience things that your mind will never let you forget, you can consider these the war stories of your travels. Raw, unedited, shocking, un forgetful, and only around 400 baht, you will remain wide eyed and awe struck the entire time.
You will be amazed at what some of the Thai women can do with a ping pong ball, a baby turtle, and a cigarette. Yeah. . . . . . . . Only 400 baht.
2. Do NOT
Do not buy cocaine from a TUK TUK driver. Seriously. Not saying you’re one of those guys that feel the need to binge on cocaine just because you’re in Bangkok, but trust me. . . . . The temptation presents itself.
Whether you’re the guy that takes a 10 gram railroad track super start up power bump upon waking up every morning or you’re the helpless dude trying to score some white in order to impress a sexy drunken Spanish chica you just met at the bar, trust me, the TUK TUK drivers are dirty.
I have written and told you about TUK TUK drivers in the past. They make half of their money from local businesses and companies. A lot of them also make a lot of their money through the police agencies. So unless you are planning on seeing the country from absolutely EVERY angle and you don’t mind spending 25 years in a Thai prison without trial, take my advice on this.
(Actually if you are American, you will end up spending 8 years before being transferred back to America in order to serve another few months before being released. Most Europeans 10. Locals and a lot of other countries......death sentance or life in prison is caught taking any type of drug across the border. )
You may ask me though, “Why would I ever consider buying cocaine from a TUK TUK driver?” Seriously, these guys push cocaine in the late night hours harder than they push their taxi rides. Standard operating procedure and dialog for the average TUK TUK driver reads as follows.
Question 1: U WAAAAAN TUK TUK?
Question 2: U WAAAAAN cocaaaaiEEEEEEEn?
When it comes to TUK TUK drivers, apply what your D.A.R.E teacher always taught you. Just say, “I’ll buy my cocaine elsewhere” . . . . . I mean. . . . . . “NO”.
Do take the time to flirt with and hit on every single female your eyes cross. This road is filled with two types of people. The traveling backpacker, and the local sales people who make a living off of the traveling backpacker.
All human beings have needs. A majority of backpackers out there past a certain hour are looking to party. Know in your own mind that you have absolutely nothing to lose while you are out there. The people you meet are from every single corner of the world imaginable. If you strike out with a chick, guess what? You will never see her again and you will never have to face the embarrassment of it after walking away. Plus, there are literally thousands of other travelers on that very road at that very moment. Not to mention the turnover of females there is constantly on fast forward.
No one there is seeking a serious relationship. Everyone, in a certain age bracket, is just trying to have a good time, party, and do regrettable things while they still can. So even if you don’t think you have the slightest chance in the world with women, guess what? On Khao San road, you could be that regrettable thing. Good luck.
4. Do NOT
Ok. Direct contradiction to what I just said in number 3. Do NOT flirt with or hit on every single female your eyes cross. Yeah I know. Let us just say that number 3 is still true, but your eyes may just be playing a few tricks on you unless you know what you are looking for.
While it may not be in the U.S., cross dressing and sex changes are something of a more socially acceptable practice in Thailand. You may be thinking of these cross dressers as few and far between, but this is definitely far from the truth. Referred to as “lady-boys”, these difficult to spot temptations can sometimes be the best looking ones out there.
I hate to even say something like that, but the truth is that these cross dressers are not your average Buffalo Bill looking wannabes. Sporting miniskirts, halter tops, and motor boat worthy breasts, your mind quickly begins playing tricks on you.
There is a telltale sign however. Watch for the Adams apple. Seems easy right? WRONG! A lot of times something as subtle as a small necklace or makeup placement can be enough to make these sure fire signs easy to miss. These lady-boys have been performing this act for a long time now. They know what they are doing and they are excellent at what they do.
Listen well as these “females” speak to you. It is often difficult to tell if they are faking a female voice considering they all have super thick accents that are unclear anyway. If you are questioning the fact, keep listening until your suspect speaks to another person around “her” in her native dialect. Often times if the testosterone is present, they will slip up on their game and speak in a deeper tone to those that they are more familiar with.
If worse comes to worse though and you just can’t tell anymore, go ahead and throw up a hail mary. Just work up the nuts and give a quick flick where the sun don’t shine. This can sometimes be the only way of knowing absolutely and for sure what you are getting yourself into. Again trust me on this, knowing what you are getting yourself into is much better than the opposite alternative. If you find your suspect guilty of having high testosterone, pucker that butt hole and walk away because you can be rest assured that that’s exactly what the lady-boy was trying to get THEMSELVES into.
Go ahead, get a tattoo. While the myth surrounding tattoos in foreign countries may hold true for some places, you will be surprised that the amount of clean and worthy tattoo parlors that are offered on Kao San road. This place holds enough tourist attraction at all times thus allowing legit tattoo parlors with clean equipment and disposable needles.
While you should still use common sense in avoiding any tattoo guys in back alleys trying to give you super discounted tattoos, there are plenty of places that are actually clean, legit, cheap and filled with very talented artists.
Unlike in the States however, these tattoo parlors will not deny a person who is absolutely sh*t faced drunk and stumbling all over the place. This is basically the only thing you need to worry about when it comes to tattoos. Do not get a random tattoo on a whim while you’re absolutely wasted. . . . . Unless it’s on your ass. Then I say go for it… who cares?
If you do decide to get a tattoo, I suggest parting from the traditional tattoo gun method as well. If you look in the right places, you are sure to be able to find a buddhist monk who does traditional tattoos with ink and bamboo. While it does hurt a bit more, I can say first hand that the experience itself makes it completely worth the while.
Well, these are some of the main rules that will keep you Awe struck, save you from being violated, and help you avoid spending a quarter of your life in Thai prison. While I’m sure there are thousands of things out there that I missed during my stay, I hope this helps. If you have any questions about Kao San road in all its glory, feel free to ask questions in the comments below. I will do my best to help you out in any way I can.