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A Man Needs A Machete

By Edited Nov 13, 2013 2 6

A Man Needs A Machete, And Any Woman Would Do Well To Own One Too.

Listen, a man needs a machete and any woman would do well to own one too.  Oh I suppose that if you don't care for a lawn or some sort of property, then you might not need one at all.  I'm not talking to you apartment or condominium dwellers here.  I'm talking specifically to my people, the kind of people that live in wild places, and do things themselves.

Oh sure a machete will look like a weapon.  Machetes, however, are not weapons, but they are rather more tools than anything else. If you have a love of the great outdoors, hunting, fishing, or merely cleaning the brush that runs along side a driveway, and in keeping  certain terrains presentable, then you need a machete too.

Here where I live there are trees running along side the driveway, and they obscure all sight of the road  There are all manner of vines and bushes, and generally speaking, copperhead pit viper havens in there, and you can kindly know it is my responsibility to attend to it all.  I've no machete to attend to these things with, only ancient garden hoes.  I can properly state with great clarity that a man needs a machete

I have no machete, only ancient garden hoes that belonged to the Pater familias's mother, and good heavens, should you break the grandmother's garden hoe attempting to do the job of a machete, you've irresponsibly destroyed a family heirloom.

A man needs a machete, and whoever thought that a garden hoe could do the job a machete was meant to do is a person only interested in seeing you work hard, instead of smart.


Cold Steel Two Handed Panga Machete With Sheath

A Man Needs A Big Bad Machete

(105314)

Yes, I Intend To Get A Badass Machete.

Let us be honest for a moment, a machete looks like a sword, but swords are double sided blades, and machetes are tools used to do lawn and garden care with while you pretend to go all Genghis Khan on some vines, instead of on something or someone likely to get you into a bit of trouble.

I suggest everyone get a really good machete.  We do not wish to hack off the heads of the ancient Chinese for centuries of well deserved vengeance, we only wish to hack a path through the brush to get to our preferred fishing hole.

Isn't it therapeutic to slash sticker vines to bits, and call them the names of Hubpages staff, random internet nit wits, or former co workers on your way to the wide spot in the creek?  Of course it is.

Snakes, sometimes snakes need a machete too, a hissing water moccasin blocking your way to the fishing spot simply will not do.

There are sometimes copperhead pit vipers along the drive, and there are often elderly and very young persons here on the Shaw farm for a visit.  Bitten, stricken, and heart attacks for the lack of a machete and a copperhead snake simply will not do either.  A man needs a machete, and you all know that it is true.


Authentic Texas Vines - They Need A Machete And Attending To.

A Man Needs A Machete. Would I Lie To You?

Sticker Vines

Moving To A Tent City? Zombie Apocalypse? A Man Needs A Machete, And Every Woman Needs A Machete Too.

Let us just forget all that bull I said earlier about apartment dwellers and city slickers, all you good people need a machete too.  These times of economic desperation, war monger bankers, and zombies about too.  All you good people, why, you all need a machete too.

Clearing a path to your new home in the tent city?  You need a machete. 

Zombie apocalypse?  Well, you need a fully automatic defense rifle for that, but still a man needs a machete and you know this is true.

Sometimes late at night a man hears mountain lions screaming in the distance, all sorts of booger bears too.  Sometimes a man sleeps with shotguns, but a machete comforts too.


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Comments

Jul 11, 2012 3:51pm
vicdillinger
I have owned a machete ever since I worked as a land surveyor in the late 1980s. It is an excellent tool/weapon. A thumb.
Jul 11, 2012 3:54pm
Wesman_Todd_Shaw
Thanks very much, Good Sir!

I have no idea what became of the one that used to belong on this property, but I know it sure needs to be replaced with a new one! It is AWOL, or otherwise missing from the action around here!
Jul 11, 2012 3:57pm
vicdillinger
Better get a new one, quick!
Jul 11, 2012 4:27pm
Wesman_Todd_Shaw
Yes!!!!!!!!

I suffered for want of a machete this Spring when I was stomping through the woods for fishing holes.

I've got a large Bowie knife, but it was too small for the jobs meant for a machete!
Jul 11, 2012 4:31pm
vicdillinger
Bowie knife, shmowie kinfe -- the right tool for the right job! Get that machete (or turn in your man card!) [insert simian grunting here]
Jul 11, 2012 5:10pm
Wesman_Todd_Shaw
HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I THINK I LIKE YOU, SIR!!!!!!!!!!!
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