Or How To Get Girls

OK, I can’t really claim to be the world’s greatest expert on this subject of how to get a girlfriend or even just how to get a date, but at least I do have some years of experience behind me. When I was a child, the girls just loved me and I could hardly get rid of them. When I was a teenager, however, I got shy, it all went wrong and the girls seemed to avoid me like the plague. Now I’m married so I don’t make any effort to get girls anyway... but making an effort is in any case a bit of a mistake.

There are lots of men out there who have a lot of trouble finding out how to attract a girlfriend, and no doubt they puzzle about the other men that they see who do have girlfriends: all sorts of misogynistic thugs and brutes seem to have no trouble; fat, ugly, slobs often seem to have girlfriends; stupid people; you name it. So what’s up with that?

In a nutshell, it all comes down to this: many women often say that what they want is a “nice man.” And a common mistake that men make is thinking, “well, I’m a man, so that must mean they want me to be nice.” As a result they can repress their natural masculine behaviour and end up becoming rather insipid and dull from a girl’s point of view. The thing is the women are thinking about “nice man” in a different way from the way a man listening to it thinks of it:

Men think:                 “NICE man”

Women think:            “nice MAN”

That difference in emphasis is everything. The girls are looking primarily for a MAN. Indeed, a “nice” man means less that a man is “nice” in the sense of tea and cakes and over-obliging wimpish ingratiation, but more that he is a real man. Of course, they don’t really want a misogynistic brute either, but these guys are “real” men of sorts - especially from the point of view of young women, who often have great difficulty distinguishing between aggression and assertiveness in men. They want assertive, self-assured men, but too often mistake simple thuggish louts for this type. They learn in the long run, but in the meantime, you don’t have a girlfriend!

So: you’re a wimp and don’t qualify as a “real” man. What do you do? Well, thankfully, all is not lost! The key is in this distinction between assertiveness and aggression. Assertiveness doesn’t mean being a bully, a thug or an ignorant woman-abusing yob. It means being confident in yourself, getting on with your life, your interests, your career. It means having good values and the courage to stick up for them (without getting into a fight about it over trivia). It means saying what you believe, even and especially to any women you may disagree with: you have to be “real” - your authentic, strong, self.

So we are talking about inner strength more than outer strength here. Inner strength, of course, isn’t necessarily easy to cultivate, but it can be developed. Working on your self-esteem is key, and living your own life and never mind who doesn’t think much of it. This is very attractive to women: they like to follow a man who knows what he wants out of life and goes for it. A man who may win or lose, but if he loses, a man who picks himself up and gets on with the next project. They like it so much that they often get misled by men who only give the appearance of assertiveness, but who in reality are covering their lack of confidence or intelligence with loutish behaviour.

In case you don’t know what you want out of life or how to go for it, I’ll close with some words from the ancient Greek philosopher Socrates: “To find yourself, think for yourself.” That just about sums it up: your life, your unique way. Just do what you think and develop the courage to be your authentic self and live by decent values as these are very powerful both for your self-esteem and in the world at large. And as the singer Gerry Rafferty once said, if you get it wrong, you’ll get it right next time...

If you want to read more on this subject, you might seek out books by RDonSteele, who goes into great and forthright detail on what it is to be a “real” man in this sense.