While you may be curious and have adoption questions, there are five things you should never ask an adoptive parent. Unless you are a very close friend or family member, almost anything you will ask will be considered rude and inappropriate-especially if the child is with her parents.
Most adoptive parents are happy to share their child’s adoption story, much like a woman who shares the story of her child’s birth. But in the adoption world, it is considered unwise to share your child’s background story with others until your child has heard it herself. There may be things she does not want you to share, but as a child, she cannot decide if those adoption questions are inappropriate.
These are five adoption questions you should never ask.
This is probably one of the hardest adoption questions to answer without having a clenched fist and deep breath before answering. Why is that? Because adoptive parents are the child’s real parents! Adopted children have two sets of parents-birth parents and adoptive parents.
When I have been asked this question, I inform people that I am indeed my children’s real mother. Real mothers clean up vomit in the middle of the night, hold a apprehensive child’s hand on the first day of school, and are there to give hugs and kisses each and every day.
My children’s birth parents created their life, my husband and I gave them a life.
This question is also a potential minefield for children who have been adopted internationally. The likelihood of finding their birthparents is even smaller than those who have been adopted domestically.
This is another adoption question you should never ask. It is important to use positive adoption language, and “give up for adoption” is a negative phrase. This question is really none of your business to ask. The reason may be as simple as they were too young to take care of a child or as complicated as the child’s birthmother was a drug addict.
Bottom line, don’t ask this adoption question ever!
Really? A baby is not like a car or a house. This adoption question is in really bad taste to ask. First of all, you do not buy a baby. You pay an adoption agency or an adoption attorney to help place a child with you. It is illegal to buy a baby.
This was one of the first questions people asked my husband and me because we adopted twins, ”Did you have to pay the agency double?” No, we didn’t.
#4 Does your child know how lucky she is?
There is an old fashioned notion, that the adopted child is so lucky to have found a permanent home. That is not the case. It is the adoptive parents who are the lucky ones! Our hopes and dreams came true when our baby (or babies) were placed in our arms.
Although everyone knows someone who has gotten pregnant after adopting a child, this only happens about half the time. Some women continue to have infertility treatments after adoption, and some do get pregnant the old fashioned way. Adoption does not necessarily lead to a pregnancy, as many men and women have real medical issues that cannot be resolved.
With the prevalence of celebrities who have adopted children, is it in the news now more than ever. And while celebrities may want to share the inside scoop, that is not the case with those who do not parade themselves in front of the paparazzi. Adoptions questions that are sincere and mindful if a child is present are fine. But the five adoption questions you should never ask an adoptive parent are best left unsaid.