Were you like the thousands and thousands that decided not to purchase Spore because of it's restrictive DRM, horrible reviews, or record breaking 1 out of 5 star ratings on Amazon.com? Or were you like me, and you simply decided that you don't have the time to invest in a video game this massive? Well don't fret faithful reader, I have found a way to play Spore the video game in real life, with 100% less DRM.

Level 1: Cell Stage

This is something that you can do at home or at the office when the boss is in meetings. Get a microscope and a small dab of water from your local mud puddle. Now zoom in with your telescope and just look at all the different kinds of microorganisms and Phytoplankton. After you find one that best represents your personality, give it a name.

Say hi to is industrai. He loves peanut butter.

Now, the object of this level is to get your microorganism to touch the peanut butter that you have placed at the right end the water sample. If your little guy wanders off to the left where you've placed a dab of Fantastic with Bleach, he will die and you have to restart. You can control your organism with your finger, or a flat object like a razor blade or ruler. Watch out for other plankton, and don't accidentally slice your Phytoplankton in half!

Once your plankton reaches the peanut butter, watch as the preservatives in the peanut butter mutate and evolve your plankton into a peanut butter micro-monster.

You are now ready for level 2.

Level 2: Creature Stage

Ok now this stage takes a little bit of patience to set up, but bare with me. Take your telescope back to the store for a full refund. With the money you have in your pocket, go to a local bar or night club, and find a life partner of the opposite sex, marry them, and convince them to conceive a child with you. The loading time on this level takes about 9 or so months depending on your mate's firewall. Once your creature has been created you can modify the way it looks by changing it's clothes or giving it a haircut. The object of this level is to get your creature to establish dominance at daycare, preschool, and eventually school and college. You can control your creature by sending it off with lunches that are better than the other kids lunches (see lunchables), or by letting it watch TV Shows like WWE Smackdown when it gets home. In time, your creature will start to have a mind of it's own, and will procedurally say things like "I Hate you!" or "You're a horrible father" and "I'm running away." Your creature is now ready for level 3.

I'm mad at my dad

Part 3: Tribal Stage

Eventually, If you've done everything correctly in the previous Stages, your creature will want to get out of your house as quickly as possible, and will follow in your footsteps and create it's own tribe of offspring.
the tribe
Pro kreaytin'

The object of this stage is to control your creature's offspring (see grandchildren) by spoiling them with candy so they listen to you instead of their parents. In this level, you can get them to do things for you like convince your son to come visit once in a while, or maybe you can tell them to say to their parents "I think grandpa should move in with us." Your son will continue to resent you for the horrible upbringing and will soon tell his kids to stay away from grandpa. This brings us to level 4.

Part 4: Space

This level takes some time to get to. Once you reach a certain age, people stop calling you or visiting you because you are now labelled as that old guy trying to control kids with candy.

The Candy Mobile

With absolutely nothing to do anymore, you purchase a telescope and look at the stars to see if you can find some friends in outer space. Eventually, once you get old enough and dillusional enough, you will start seeing UFO's and Aliens. You control the aliens by shouting wierd things at the dinner table and passing gas at every opportunity you get. When the aliens take you up to the mothership, the game is over and you can play it all over again if you believe in that sort of thing.

...or you could just make penis monsters on the Nintendo Wii Mii Creator. Either way, don't support DRM!