I know I’m supposed to live life to the fullest, but every now and then my inner couch potato rules over my outer adult. I know not everyone has an inner couch potato, so I’m going to guide you through a step by step process to awaken your inner sloth.
Reset the alarm clock
Remove caffeine from your diet
One of the biggest obstacles between you and the couch is caffeine. Remember our goal is to become as centered as possible, preferably on a lazy boy. Begin incrementally by avoiding your morning cup of coffee, then increase shunning the afternoon energy drink. I promise you that the drive to be active will dissipate, and a calm apathy will guide you to the refrigerator.
Wear sweats and slippers
Wearing tight or uncomfortable clothes keeps the inner couch potato stuck in the area of the feet. As soon as you begin to release the tension on your feet by wearing sneakers or the holy grail of sloth, slippers, you allow the inner sloth to rise within. The next step is to give up the skinny jeans for a pair of ambiguous gray sweat pants. If you try a brighter color than gray, you may force your inner sluggard back to your feet. When your pants allow your waistline to expand and your legs to curl under you or to stretch out in front of you without hindrance, slacker will continue to rise.
The pinnacle of perfect shirts are tee shirts or tank tops, anything else is too classy and will chase away the urge to sit. This is where you also get to be creative, try wearing only one shirt when you are vegetating, this will weaken the fibers and get us to the cheese-cloth-like-material that we want. Holes in the armpits and belly area are bonuses. The holes allow for extra air flow without having to move your body. There should be at least two stains from different sources, oil and spaghetti sauce.
When you complete the trifecta of slippers, sweat pants, and a sloth shirt then you have graduated to the final step, couch potato mind.
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Encourage your inner couch potato to gain strength by supplying it with the right amount of carbohydrates, sugar and fat. Start by having a bag of chips or crackers within reach of the couch or lazy boy. You will never need a chip clip again because you are a champion, and you will polish off any open container in one sitting. Sugar is potentially dangerous to a new couch potato because it excites the body and can even cause spurts of energy. Always remember energy chases your inner couch potato away. Indulge in sugar only after you have had some carbohydrates, this will keep sugar from getting the better of you. Fatty foods should be eaten after every carb/sugar meal to ensure a satisfied feeling while you lay on the couch.
Eating and wearing comfortable clothing are not enough to keep your inner couch potato satisfied. While eating and sitting, stray thoughts about housework or guilt about unfinished assignments may bubble to the surface. This is where your television, and the Internet help to keep you on track. There are plenty of channels on television, which will allow you to feel like you are accomplishing something without doing anything. Documentaries, traveling, and cooking shows are the best for beginner couch potatoes. Your mind might still be decompressing from caffeine or heaven forbid you might have exercised so start slow. The advanced potato can use any television show to maintain stagnation, including the news and exercise infomercials. If you feel fairly advanced you can move directly to reality TV and the Home Shopping Network.
If watching television and changing channels is too active, then you can move your attention to your laptop. The Internet has a plethora of sites that will keep your inner couch potato happy. You Tube, Facebook, and Pinterest are top shelf time wasters, they are also excellent ways of appearing busy without accomplishing anything of value.
Much like television it’s possible to rise in the ranks of couch potatodum. The ultimate site is StumbleUpon, which allows you to pick categories and click a button and the site will deliver other websites, which may or may not amuse you. It’s much like rating movies on Netflix, you can spend hours and hours without moving more than a finger.
Take a nap
Sometimes the stimulus of watching television or eating a really good meal packed with calories takes its toll on a couch potato. This is when you need to hibernate to conserve the energy takes to make your way to the lavatory. Naps give you a chance to see how comfortable your furniture is and lets you know what combination of clothes, food, and entertainment will send you to the bliss of sleep.
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At this juncture, you have an excellent starting point, no matter where you are in your journey to becoming a couch potato, to continue to on your journey to awakening of your inner couch potato. The hardest part of the mission will be losing hope and comparing yourself to marathon couch surfers. Never give hope and always remember to open another bag of chips.