Bar Mitzvah Candle Lighting Ceremony

mommymommymommy | May 7, 2010 |

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The Bar Mitzvah candle lighting ceremony is a traditional part of the Bar (or Bat) Mitzvah party. For a Jewish family, their son's Bar Mitzvah or their daughter's Bat Mitzvah celebration after the Torah service begins with family and friends lighting the candles on the birthday cake.

Here are some guidelines for candle lighting readings and for selecting who is going to get the honor participating in the Bar Mitzvah candle lighting ceremony.

How Many Candles?

It is traditional for the Bar Mitzvah candle lighting ceremony to have thirteen or fourteen candles. While the number thirteen represents how old the child is, some people like to have fourteen candles, with one being for good luck. The choice is yours.

However, that number is not set in stone. You can have fewer than thirteen candles to light at the ceremony is you desire. We had our daughter light eight candles, for those were the people who were truly significant to her.

Choosing Family Candles

Here is the complicated part of a Bar Mitzvah candle lighting ceremony…who gets called up for the honor? Of course, parents, grandparents and siblings get candles. Then there are assorted aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. The Bar Mitzvah boy and Bat Mitzvah girl also get a candle, as it is their party.

The first person you need to speak to about who gets a candle at the candle lighting ceremony is the Bar Mitzvah boy or Bat Mitzvah girl. While you as an adult have the final say, your child does need to have some input on this matter. Your child is going to tell you the people who matter most in their lives, not someone to whom they feel an obligation.

Family candles can be tricky. Grandparents should always have candles to themselves, both the mother and the father's side. If there is a divorce situation between grandparents, it may be necessary to have the divorced couple have separate candles.

Aunt and uncle candles has various options. What you choose depends on how many different family members you have. If you have a lot of family, then children (cousins) should be called up with their parents as a family candle. If you have enough candles, then a separate cousin candle can be done after all aunts and uncles have had a turn.

Many families also light a candle to honor those family members who are no longer living, but were a part of the child's life.

Candles for Friends

Here is where people get insulted during a Bar Mitzvah candle lighting ceremony. While you are naturally closer to some people than to others, if you invited these people to your child's Bar or Bat Mitzvah, then they are your friend. If you decide to include your personal friends as part of the candle lighting, they should be an integral part of your child's life. This is not the time to honor your friends.

If your child spends a lot of time with another family and you are close, then a candle is appropriate for that family. If you have been friends with someone for twenty years, but that person is not important to your child, then they do not get a candle.

Many Bar and Bat Mitzvah children have all of their friends come up to light one candle, thereby including everyone who is attending.

Some people like to honor all invited guests-friends and family-with votives at the table. These candles get lit at the same time and become part of the centerpiece.

Bar Mitzvah Candle Lighting Poems

As each person is called to participate in the Bar Mitzvah candle lighting ceremony, the boy or girl typically reads a quatrain (four line poem) written about the person. If your child is not a writer, this chore will be hard for him or her. Help may be needed and should be given, as the Bar or Bat Mitzvah child has more important things to worry about.

You can ask friends or family to help you out if you need it. There are also online resources available through a Google search.

Candle Lighting Songs

A professional dj will have plenty of song suggestions for each person who is participating in the Bar Mitzvah candle lighting ceremony. The song needs to "fit" the person or family. For example, my brother has lived in Miami most of his adult life, so when he went to light a candle, Will Smith's "Welcome to Miami" was played. A native New Yorker, my mom's song was Frank Sinatra's "New York, New York."

The Bar Mitzvah candle lighting ceremony is a small but important piece of the party. With careful planning, it will be fun and memorable.