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Beat Codependent Behavior By Being Selfish

By Edited Nov 13, 2013 1 1

It is often said that selfishness is one of the biggest issues in the breakdown of relationships. However, there is such a thing as co dependence that leads to relationships that have virtually no chance of surviving if recognition is not made and help sought after. Someone with a codependent behavior will want to live at there partners side. They want to be with someone all the time. This leads to the other person being suffocated by there dysfunctional partner.


You know those guys that go golfing every Saturday and have a poker night with the guys. The guys that skip out on a honey do list to plan and execute a week long hunting trip with there friends. Well believe it or not this is exactly what you need to do if you are codependent in the relationship. Yes, you do need to maintain balance, but it is okay to be a little selfish and take part in some activities that you love to do. Getting yourself out there and being active in things that you love to do allows you to grow and expand and build more confidence in yourself.


An emotionally healthy person can function well in a relationship, but they can also function well if they ended up being by themselves. So if you find yourself being really clingy to your partner and trying to do everything for them, then stop. Yes stop, go out and be a little selfish. Take some planned time each week to do something for yourself. Explore who you are, join a club or a group. Start a new sport like running or racquetball. The real point is that clinging to your partner is a huge turn off and if she is emotionally stable herself eventually this behavior will shut down the relationship.


This may sound easy, but you have only fought half the battle of beating codependent behavior in your relationship. You need to feel good enough about yourself to freely allow your partner to also get out there and explore things that she would like to do. If your spouse goes out to lunch with some friends and it freaks you out then you need to step back and look at the situation. It is said that two halves make a whole, however in the event of a successful relationship, two half people do not come together to make up one whole successful relationship. Each individual must feel whole on his or her own without depending on the spouse to bolster them up continually. When two whole people come together then this makes for a wonderful chance at a good wholesome and successful relationship.


As mentioned in the opening statement codependent behavior in a relationship is almost certain failure unless it can be acknowledged and addressed. There are many on line sites and courses that deal specifically with codependency. A live 12 step program is probably going to be the best way to deal with your codependent behavior. There is a group known as CODA. This means codependents anonymous. If it sounds much like AA or Na, that’s because it is. CODA uses pretty much the same 12 step program as AA or NA. The exception is the first step. In AA or NA you are acknowledging that you have an alcohol or a drug program and you are powerless to it. In CODA you are acknowledging that you have a codependent problem and that you are powerless and do not have control over it. CODA like other 12 step programs is centered around God or our creator and putting everything in his hands.


I know it may sound crazy, but being an individual that struggles with codependent behavior myself I have realized that I need to be a little selfish. You see what will cause a codependent to burn out is he or she is always trying to do everything for everyone else because you think that you are the only one that knows how to accomplish the task. After acknowledging that you have a problem with codependency, immediately seek out a 12 step program. In other words be a little selfish, take the time for yourself to go to a meeting, take time out to go to a retreat. Plan a hunting trip with your friends. Join the gym and have a set time that is just for you and don't schedule anything else around it.


An out of control codependent person will sacrifice themselves immediately. They will give all of there time and even resources to there family. This may sound like they are a really nice, kind, caring and giving person. However, there is a price to pay, the codependent will then use these supposed acts of kindness and unselfishness as leverage in the relationship. “I would say, “ Why don't you want to be with me all the time look at everything I have been doing for you”. So I stress again, be selfish go out and do things for yourself. It is okay to serve your family, but if you don't fill your own well eventually you will dry up.


If you have issues with codependency, you really need to get involved in a 12 step program.. I can honestly speak from experience, that you will never find a truly happy relationship with anyone not even yourself until you deal with any codependent behaviors you may have. At first it feels very lonely for a codependent to be a little selfish and very scary to freely allow there partner to be a little selfish. However like I said as long as you keep trying to bring 2 halves or even one whole person and one ½ then the relationship has little chance of success. However if you will get out there acknowledge the problem , get involved in a 12 step program and start being a little selfish, then you are on the journey to happier and more enriching relationships.  



Feb 14, 2011 3:25pm
Excellent advice!
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