I am beating depression, but too slowly. I am frustrated and annoyed with myself at performing below par mentally and need to get better faster than I am. My SSRI medication was increased because I was making no further progress on the lower levels after three months.
Most days I take things slowly and do not put myself under any pressure and this is certainly a better approach than trying to force the pace of my recovery.
Yesterday was a bad day. It was my first day on the increased medication levels and perhaps that contributed, but the meds are supposed to make me feel better, not worse.
It was mid afternoon and I had had to go shopping because a friend had let me down. If I am going on one errand I always try to fit in as much as possible, so instead of just going to buy a crusty loaf of bread I had to do the week’s shopping, call to the post office and two banks.
After an hour I realised I was overdoing it. My brain just stopped working. It was as though I was in the early stages of dementia and could not hold the simplest thought together. I could not make the simplest of decisions without making a phone call for help, even down to what kind of crusty bread to buy.
This was very frightening.
At the time I put it down to just having a bad day. Things became worse when I arrived home with all the bags. I could not even face unpacking them. It did not help that I was dehydrated at the same time. After three cups of tea I put the shopping away and settled down for a nap. I woke up two hours later.
I could not face the family gathering in the kitchen, so just went upstairs to lie on the bed with a book.
After two hours the party was over and I could come down. I was back to ‘normal’ again.
On analysing my day I realised that I had just lost control of it and done too much. I had received a phone call early in the morning to pick up a grandson from school in the city, so had had to fight my way through the traffic. That on its own, I could have coped with, but I had the shopping trip in the afternoon as well.
From here on I will keep my days more focused and stick to my plans. I sometimes think I am not ill at all because depression has no physical symptoms and my mental processes have improved so much since the early days. What I have to realise is that there is a long way to go and not to try too hard to rush things along, to pace myself.
Trying to force the pace will only set me back, so I have to take things more slowly than I would like to, or my total recovery from depression will take longer.