Kristine, 34 Years Old
I have never really been one for harboring homicidal tendencies. I’m very easy-going, laid back, sometimes even downright perky. Even through my struggles to shed my post-baby belly, I have managed to keep a smile on my face. Until today.
Her name is Susy Slaughter, a strange name, and I’m willing to bet my life on it, a made-up name. She is the 5’3 menace that runs our town’s Weight Loss Adventure Boot Camp. As of seven o’clock this morning, she has become my nemesis; the Lex Luthor to my Clark Kent, the soy milk to my chocolate chip cookie. After many unsuccessful months trying to shed my mommy middle, I decided to take my case to the professionals. Several of my girlfriends and plenty of others in my town have sworn that the Boot Camp was a miracle. Well worth the $300 for the two week camp. I was impressed by all of their success stories and decided to go for it. The camp started promptly at 6 am this morning. There were ten of us in a line, each looking more distraught than the next. We were greeted by the inhuman screams of a tiny, deranged woman- Susy Slaughter. She spewed energy and anger at us.
“Good MOR-ning! My NAME is SUSY SLAUGHTER! I WILL BE WORKING YOU PACK OF MULES INTO SHAPE THESE NEXT TWO WEEKS!” She then proceeded to walk behind us and give each person a kick in the bottom, telling us to start doing push-ups until we could do no more. She knelt in front of me and sneered. “Faster!” I pushed on, imagining her tiny head exploding each time she blew her whistle. The only thing that got me through the first day was picturing the many and gruesome slow deaths in store for Miss Slaughter.
My Top Dieting Secret
Ruby - 28 Years Old
Looking for the best dieting secret has been an obsession for most people and myself included. I have tried every dieting tricks you can think of but nothing seems to work for me. A friend told me about a new weight loss plan that seems to have divin blessing. I was intrigued so I asked what it was. I was told to follow Jesus. I never go to church because I don't believe in organized religion. However, I was willing to try anything that will help me lose weight.
My friend that suggested following Jesus is all I have to do. And that is the best dieting secret ever. That is to say, I have to try what some christians call fasting. I was a little bemused thinking it was a Joke. My friend tried to convince me by telling saying "Jesus didn't eat for 40 days and 40 nights." She said if could follow his example, I will be getting the best weight loss plan ever. I told her I like the Jesus that multiplied to food not the one that likes to lose weight.
I pondered over this fasting idea and said to my friend: "there is nothing special about that because it is like starving yourself." She disagreed with me pointing out that this will not only help me lose weight but also lead to Eternal Life.
Anyway, I gave in and tried the Jesus' dieting Secret. When my husband asked me why I wasn't going to join the family for dinner, I told him I was fasting. My two teenage sons stared at me but only just refrained from laughing. My husband said, "since when did you become a believer?"
I didn't even bother to answer. I just watched them eat and think about the words of my friend, "follow Jesus and that will help you lose weight." In the middle of the night I couldn't take it anymore so I sneaked out of bed into the kitchen and I did the unthinkable. Yes I took out the chocolate cake quietly and sat on the floor. As I was about to dig in, my husband said, "what happen to Jesus?"
Funny Things I Did To Lose Weight Without Dieting
Jane, 31 Years Old
I am a fat woman and I am not ashame to say I am fat. Once I have that out of the way, I can begin to tell you some of the funny and not so funny things I did in my quest to lose weight. I have tried dieting and that didn't go down that well. I later decided it will be best to find a way to lose weight without dieting and see what I can achieve. The first thing was to eat as slowly as possible. I mean I tried chewing for so long my jaws hurt. I tried that for a week but it was just so painful. By the time Ihad finish eating everyone would have gone and I would still be there chewing my way through my soup. It can be a little like some oriental meditation when you try not to swallow but really chew. Did I lose weight. I did a little but nothing to write home about. I was impatient enough to go through with the whole meditative eating process.
I also tried drinking a glass of water before eating anything. If I were to eat breakfast, I would drink a glass of water and then eat. I found out that it is a little disgusting because my mind tells me that I will not be able to enjoy my meal. The effect of drinking a glass of water means I always have to be near the toilet just in case. I eat a little less but that only lasted for about a week. I did try but I gave up because I couldn't keep up with drinking a glass of water before eating my chewing gum. Did that help me in my weight loss effort. My calory intake was less but I did not keep at it long enough to see the results.
I also tried dividing everything I ate into two portions. The other half is then replaced with vegetables without salad dressing. If felt lighter after a couple of days but I was hungry and the salad just didn't fill me enough. I actually enjoyed that part of my eating without dieting. I felt cleaner from inside out but it was a little tedious having to measure everything.
I still haven't lost weight but it was actually fun trying out all those strange ideas without dieting. I probably would have lost some weight had I been patient enough to push through some of the ideas above. Anyway, that was my confession.