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Cars as Substitutes for Women - A humorous comparison

By Edited Feb 13, 2014 0 0

Most men love their cars, and some men love their cars more than they love their wives. But did you know that your car can be a good substitute? If you don't believe us, then read on and find out why your car is a great substitute for a love life...

Fluids...

You can put as many fluids as you want into your car, and there are very few dangers associated with it. In fact, there are more dangers associated with not putting fluids into your car. Plus, you don't generally need to use protection in order to do it. Engine lubricant comes in a can, and has nothing to do with whether or not the car likes you or finds you attractive, and really isn't surrounded by mystery at all.

Speed...

You can go as fast as you want, and nobody complains. Plus, truthfully, speed is an excellent way to work up adrenaline and release endorphins into your system, which are the same chemicals as your body releases during orgasm, so in essence by driving fast you should scientifically feel almost like you've just experienced orgasm. Okay, so you might not get as many endorphins as you would from a night with a beautiful woman, but still, it's better than nothing, right?

Power...

You know that top of the world feeling you get when a beautiful woman comes home with you? Well, try unlocking a Ferrari with your keyless remote in a crowded parking lot. We bet you'll feel even more powerful and macho then.

The Morning After...

The morning after a long night in bed you probably wake up satisfied, but with a few aches and pains from using muscles that don't get as much exercise as they should. The morning after driving all night, you wake up satisfied that you reached your destination and with sore legs, arms and back from sitting in the same position all the time. Either way, you wake up happy but sore.

Under the Hood...

Work on your car all night in the garage, and you'll be sweaty, covered in fluid, probably half naked, and in desperate need of a shower. Spend all night in the bedroom with your partner, and guess what? You'll be in pretty much the same state. We think that makes working under the hood a pretty good substitute for sex.

Fine Motor Control...

Whether you're working on your engine, or working on a woman, you're going to need a little manual dexterity. That fine motor control is all-important for all those tiny screws and delicate parts, and, well, for doing bedroom stuff too. So not only is working on your car a substitute for working on a woman, but it's also pretty good practice. At least that's what you can tell your wife when she complains you spend all your time in the garage.

Stopping and Starting...

Particularly if you're a man, you should get used to this. Sex isn't one long ride, it's a series of little ones, with rest breaks and position changes along the way. Driving your car should teach you all about patience (which your girlfriend will appreciate).

Not Like in the Movies...

When someone drives in a movie they always manage to jump off a bridge or evade the cops. That's not at all what real life driving is like. And in the movies, sex is always romantic and perfect and nothing ever goes wrong (and nobody ever gets a cramp in their leg either). You'll know from experience, that this is nothing like real life love making.

. . . . .

Alright, so your car might not be a perfect substitute for a woman. But if you look at things the right way, the two things are kind of similar. At the very least you can drive a cool car, even if you're not getting much bedroom action...

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