Christmas Shoppers Send Santa Claus to the Loony Bin

Before long, Christmas will be upon us and traffic in the malls will become as congested as a constipated elephant. Instead of competing with this traffic, I do all my Christmas shopping way before Christmas and I do most of it on line. I go to the malls during holiday seasons to people watch. During my forays into the hazard zone, I have noticed certain recurrent types of Christmas Shoppers. I feel confident that you have also seen some of these types during your visits to the malls.

Christmas shoppers can be SHOVERS who, instead of going around people, shove their way through the crowd. The massive crowd takes on a life of its own and you feel like a tube of toothpaste must feel if it could verbalize something's got to give. At extremes the shovers move the massive crowd and if you are in that mound of bodies, you will be moved as part of the mound whether you like it or not. Help!

Christmas Shoppers are Sometimes Zombie Walkers

You will always be treated to legions of Christmas Shoppers who are the zombie walkers. The Zombie walkers have fallen victim to a spell, Their eyes bulge out of their skull as though they all suffer from exophthalmic goiter. They stare to their left and to their right but they do not see ten feet in front of them. If you see one approaching, you can stand your ground, but they will continue to walk toward you as though you are invisible. If a pit were to open in front of them, they would step into it. And they would continue their trance walk at the bottom of the pit. Stay alert. Look in all directions. Beware the Christmas shopper caught in the spell of the zombie walker.

Christmas Shoppers can be Gobblers

What can it mean to say that Christmas shoppers can be gobblers? It means there are those who are eating on the run and they don't care where some of their Soppy Goe falls. They bump into you and you are christened with mustard and bean sauce covering your white shirt. Or they drop gravy on the floor, creating a biohazard. Unless you want to slip on grease or become human sponge, stay clear of the Gobbler. They love being Christmas shoppers, almost as much as they love their Soppy Goes.

Christmas shoppers can be fullbacks. They are coming through, no matter what. They have an artificial Christmas tree strapped to their back and if you don't get out of the way, you will get some needles in your face as they go by. They are in a hurry because they have agreed with their wives that they would purchase and bring home the Christmas tree and they are running out of time. So the fullback is coming through.

Christmas Shoppers Can Be Santa Claus

And here comes Santa Claus...right down.... and here he comes waddling toward me giving his Ho, Ho, Ho...and he is right next to me now and I can smell the bourbon. I notice his fingernails are dirty and in general he has a rancid smell. Ho, ho, ho and he duck paddles on his way. I hope he doesn't have kids sitting on his lap. Perhaps I should report him. Naw, I'm in a hurry too.

And there are Christmas shoppers who are Professional Beggars. I am sure I have seen some of these kids at local concerts that cost a buck or two, so what's with the signs: Will Work for Food...Is this a ruse to rob you? I like the ones that say, Will Work for a beer. But then one wonders how good the work will be if beer is an exchange?

If your peruse the shops in the exclusive New York Stores, you will run into The Better Bitch Than You female models who always look as though they smell something disgusting. Their noses are raised high, their eyes downcast, a hand on a hip. They are there to entice Christmas shoppers with poor self concepts to take the challenge and buy what the models are wearing. Then the poor suckers can proclaim to the world that they are the better bitch.

I go into a men's store. Everything is leather and chains. I don't see the whips yet, but maybe they have been confiscated by the Better Bitch Than You folks. Scrawny Men circulate through the store. They try on the apparel and strut before the full length mirrors. They must be thinking: Now I don't look so scrawny. These are the Would Be Men, the scrawny ones. And they are Christmas Shoppers.

Right before me I spot a sales person. How do I know he is a salesperson? Well, it is a hunch. He wears one of the leather outfits, and he is helping a scrawny one to try on some leather. The manager appears and he is wearing an expensive looking suit and walks with confidence. I pose a philosophical question to myself. Are all these just roles folks play or are people born that way? Are they destined to become an alcoholic Santa or a Zombie? Such is the mystery of the Christmas Shopper.

Vomiting Toddlers Are Christmas Shoppers Too

Now we come to the vomiting toddlers. Mommies may think that since Christmas is approaching, it is OK to let their toddlers eat whatever they scream for. WRONG, not just wrong because it is bad for the kid's health, but wrong because it increases the odds of the overstuffed bag of goo to erupt, spraying vomit on your new polo shirt. (Not the one that absorbed the gravy) Mom didn't see it happen. She was busy listening to the cosmetics lady.

At this point, I had had enough fun observing Christmas shoppers and decide to leave the store. On my way out I see Santa Claus coming toward me. He is staggering and when we get within earshot he says: Will Work For a Drink.