Camo, Tie Dye, & Checks
Fashion Disaster Parties
Why Do Nice People Wear Bad Clothes?
Let me start out my fashion disaster tube top muffin top musings with this fact:
I am no fashion plate.
On any given day, you will find me in jeans and a t-shirt, typing away on the interwebs for those hot Google pennies. Why? Because I live in the rust belt, I have a liberal arts education, and I can't find hairnets to fit my big 'ole head.
So who am I to give advice? Nobody, that's who.
Still, in much the same way that art amateurs are fond of saying, "I'm no expert, but I know what I like," what I mean to say here is, "I'm no expert, but I know what terrifies me."
I did spend the last two Christmases working retail in the womenswear and menswear sections of a big department store though, and I can tell you for sure that the photos here are hardly unusual. If anything, they're fairly tame compared to what's really out there.
Ever since Brittany Spears' management team decided to half-dress her in awful clothes and then made lots of money franchising them, men and women all over America have been making denim, lycra, and spandex do wrong, awful unspeakable things.
I say, it's high time for someone to stop the madness.
So follow me along as I list my pet peeves and unwanted fashion advice.
And feel free to reject any of all of it.
TMI, TMI, TMI
Disturbing on So Many Levels
And Yet Somehow I Can't Look Away
Men, Clothes, and Horror
Or, Being a Man Doesn't Give You An Excuse to Dress Like a Maniac
I know that most men hate to shop, and that some men hate to shop so much that they will wear almost anything until it dissolves on their unwashed bodies. I knew a guy in college who bought new underwear every week because he refused to do laundry. At the end of the school year, he had nearly 300 pairs of dirty jockey shorts stuffed in a trash bag under his bed.
But even that guy knew enough to wear a clean shirt and pants that fit once he was earning a living and hoping for a woman.
Which brings me to the topic of attracting women:
Yes, some women are drawn to a fixer upper, but just remember that once you go down that road, you will be on a short leash for the rest of your life.
If you are OK with that, carry on.
Otherwise, step it up, Mister.
ZZ Top was right.
Thank You, Post!
Riddle: When Are Two Shirts Worse Than One Shirt?
I'll Have a Some Hardware with my Muffin, Please
The Classic Muffin
Nicely Accessorized With a Knotted Wife-Beater-T
When the Top is Not the Best Part
The muffin top has got to be the cruelest fashion trend at all, and it's all the more tragic when you consider that it could all be fixed by one simple step in two simple words:
Look, if you are a female person who weighs between 160 and 225 pounds, you have a right and a duty to love and respect your body. You are not a bad person because you failed the anorexia test. But...and this is a BIG BUTT...But, if you are still shopping in the junior's department, you are wearing the wrong size.
Face it. Embrace it.
Just think how much better you'll feel (and look!) if you elect to buy clothes that are not painful to pull onto your body! Stop cutting off your circulation and torturing the rest of us, and wander over to the Misses department or even Women's.
No one cares what number is stamped inside the back of your pants. If that number upsets you, don't look at it. Cut that little number out as soon as you get home and burn it.
And here are some other hard truths to think about while you're at it:
- Polyester knit is NOT the couture equivalent of the rubber band. If your cami cannot lauch you into space if you pull back on it, that does not mean it is too big.
- There is no such thing as a 'formal' tube top, sequins be damned.
- The tramp stamp is dead. If you have a raven or Lady Liberty or anything else flying out the back of your pants, that is just not fair to the raven. Or the rest of us.
Why Clothing Stores Have Rear View Mirrors
White Pants, Black Heart
Better Than Flesh Colored Leggings
By Not Much
The White Pants Dilemma
Fashion Rules and Trivia
Here's a little bit of fashion trivia that some of you might remember from back in the day when your grandmother was teaching you how to sew:
Question: When is it appropriate to wear white pants?
- a) When you are meeting Daddy at the yacht club for a cocktail after the regatta.
- b) When you discover you are a direct descendent of Jackie O or Coco Chanel.
- c) When you finally get that cool icecream truck job you've been interviewing for.
- d) Never.
Ha! Ha! Trick question!
The truth is, ALL of these answers are correct.
When summer approaches, tuck this little fashion tip in your back pocket before you head for the mall, and if you can read it through the fabric when you look in the mirror, go for the khaki.
The 80s Are Over
The Fashion Disaster Party Is Here
So next time your office manager forces compliance with one of those team building exercises where you have to wear something stupid to work, fight for the Fashion Disaster Party and put the 80s on ice. The 80s have been through enough.
And here's the beauty part:
If you are anything like me, you probably already have something to wear at home.