Have we spoken in real life in the past two years? Then I wish you a Happy Birthday, plus I send a personalized birthday message. In the message, I also go a step further and tell you, “I hope you have a good day.” It’s the least I could do.
Have you “liked” one of my posts in recent memory? You get a wall message from me. It will simply read, “Happy Birthday.” This fulfills the “law of reciprocity.”
Are you an ex- (and we ended on good terms?) If my profile picture is smoking hot, I will write on your wall– something witty and charming. If my profile picture is not, I will change my picture, then proceed with the same plan.
Are you an ex- (and we ended on bad terms?) I will not write on your wall because you have been blocked. I will, however, remember that it is your birthday. I will try not to stalk you or think about you. (P.S. Your girlfriend/wife is ugly, even if she is Natalie Portman. Ugh, not really…she looks super nice. Fine. You’re girlfriend/wife is perfect and beautiful, inside and out, and why I am still thinking about how fun she seems… and why am I hungry for a quesadilla right now?)
Are you a close friend? You receive one-thousand exclamation points, each signifying an awesome moment in our friendship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you a family member? Psssshhh. Don’t be ridiculous! I won’t wish you Happy Birthday on Facebook! That’s waaaaaay too impersonal. I’ll send you a text instead.
Do we often have friendly banter on an update of a mutual friend? I’ll probably find a special picture that is both funny and relevant, but that does not suggest that I have thought about it longer than 3 seconds. In reality, it probably took me five minutes to find, (which in internet time, is practically like a whole day shopping at the mall.)
Have you made interesting comments on my updates? You will get two to three sentences beyond the “Happy Birthday” to salute our friendship and your awesomeness.
Have you wished me a Happy Birthday this year? Because I remember. If you didn’t, guess what, I’m off Facebook that day.
Do I have a Facebook crush on you? Not romantically… I mean that I think your updates are always funny, or smart, or cool. I basically worship you on a really bizarre Facebook level. I will do one of two things: I will try to show you that I am just as cool as you are, and that I belong in your inner-circle of awesomeness, and write something super fantastically clever, or I will be too intimidated and do absolutely nothing.
Am I in a grumpy mood that day? No one gets any message because those are the days I avoid Facebook entirely.
Am I in a super, chipper, happy mood? Everyone gets Happy Birthdays! Everyone! Birthdays all around!!! Even if we are just acquaintances because we met at a *Dental Convention, you get a birthday message!!! I also make a note-to-self to cut down on the caffeine.
Did you just post pictures of you in your bikini on the beach of Cancun, and you look prettier than when we were in high school? You’re birthday is dead to me.
*I’m not really a dentist, and moreover, I’ve never actually attended a Dental Convention. I’m not even sure if that exists.