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Easter Celebrations for Easter Haters

By Edited Nov 13, 2013 0 0

Here I was, staring at the blank page, trying to figure out how to write my first seasonal article. Hmmm...Easter...thoughts of too bright pastels and cheap chocolate candies filled my mind. I felt sickened. I realized I hate Easter. Call me what you will (buzz kill, Easter Scrooge, Hell-bound miscreant) but I just can't take the silly tales of easter bunnies and his magic eggs or whatever (by the way, where DO these Easter eggs come in? BUNNIES DO NOT LAY EGGS. Shouldn't it be the Easter chicken? Perhaps that simply doesn't roll off the tongue as well). And not really buying into the whole organized religion thing, I can't abide by the religious side of things either. Jesus rising from the dead? It sounds more like we've got a zombie problem on our hands rather than a miracle.

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Now normally I just avoid all the Easter shenanigans. I don't turn on the T.V.  I stay away from the alarmingly bright easter candy and I ignore my mothers well meaning but ever persistent calls asking me to go to church. I hibernate in my little house and dream of the happy days of Halloween. But this year I thought to myself: "self, why hide from Easter when you can have some thing better, grander...unrulier." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...Uneaster.

What is Uneaster you may ask?  Well, as the name implies, it is everything that Easter is not. It is not going to church and hearing about the zombie miracle. It is not wearing/seeing/coloring anything pastel (seriously they are just the worst versions of all colors). It is not hosting an easter egg hunt for 20 screaming, insolent children. 

What it IS in fact is: Gathering a small group of your closest like-minded friends (or hey, just yourself, whatever floats your boat). Packing a bag full booze, food and whatever else you can imagine and drive. Drive until you don't know where you are. Drive until you're out of town, out of state, probably not out of country because then you'll have to go back for your passport. Then pick a field, or a clearing, a state park or a random clump of trees. Park your car, drink and eat and be merry. Dance awkwardly, be inappropriate. Forget about all the things about easter that make you so very cross. There are no pastels and weirdly colorful egg-laying bunnies here.

This is safety

This is happiness

This...is Uneaster.

 

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