Fictitious Intelligence

Fake News: 7 BuzzFeed-Type Stories
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2016 may have ended with the shocking deaths of some high profile celebrities but 2017 began with a death even more startling—the death of journalism (for at least one large American internet media company).

The buzz on BuzzFeed is that they circulate fake news. The website, which describes itself as "the leading independent digital media company delivering news and entertainment to hundreds of millions of people," lost all credibility after posting totally unsubstantiated allegations against President-elect Donald Trump.

Facts? Who Cares About Facts?

Facts
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The principles of journalistic standards include truthfulness, accuracy, objectivity, impartiality, fairness, and public accountability. The Trump article by the New York-based Internet media company is void of all. BuzzFeed abandoned ethics in favor of bias salaciousness, and the polarizing effect of the piece feeds the credulity of the political far left (and right) fringe.

BuzzFeed Editor-in-chief Ben Smith defended the article because it included the caveat, "there is serious reason to doubt the allegations." Smith appeared blase when questioned during an interview about the bogus rumors from uncredited sources. He seemed to champion the belief that truth is relative, and he was not the least bit contrite when the interviewer accused his website of spreading fake news. Smith replied that this is "how we see the role of reporters in 2017." His cavalier attitude signals to his staff, and everyone else, that the truth is merely a trifle commodity.

The majority of the journalistic community condemned BuzzFeed's actions. Many major publications, including the New York Times, spoke out against the posting of unsubstantiated allegations and lackadaisical writing. BuzzFeed, the site that alleges to provide the "most shareable breaking news . . .," remains defiant and stands by its decision.

So, In light of BuzzFeed's immersion into the false news arena, I'd like to pitch the following seven stories to the website.

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Bigfoot is Looking for Love

Sasquatch
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Sasquatch is tired of being alone. The towering hairy biped has joined The Lonely Hearts Club and is actively searching for a mate. Bigfoot, who uses the alias "Yeti" on his profile, describes himself as "tall, dark, ruggedly handsome with a full head and body of hair." His dream partner is "a female with real teeth, soft lips, sweet breath, a healthy appetite and plump figure, eyes as dark as a frying pan, a cheerful and lively temperament, and a faulty olfactory system." Friends of the furry forest giant say the future Mrs. Sasquatch must be immune to Hazmat-type flatulence and defecation, but on a good note, he does put the toilet seat down. Also, there is a rumor that the Chupacabra will act as the celebrant but the mysterious creature could not be reached for comment.

The Moon Really is Made of Cheese

moon cartoon
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Whether Swiss, Gouda, Brie, Cheddar, Blue Cheese or a different type is not clear, but an elderly man from the town of Naïve Crossroads claims, "The moon really is made of cheese." Mr. Molbo Simpleton says while taking his usual nightly walk around Credulity Park; he noticed something in the pond. Upon closer inspection Mr. Simpleton saw a round cheese wheel, he referred to it as "green cheese" because it did not appear to be aged. When he attempted to scoop the wheel out with his walking stick, the stick sunk into the murky water. That’s when the curious chap realized the cheese in the pond was actually the reflection of the moon.

When Mr. Simpleton returned home, he did a bit of online research, and to his surprise, he found photos dated April 1, 2002, from NASA’s Hubble telescope documenting what he thought—the moon was made of cheese, and it even had an expiration date. Desiring more evidence, the elderly fellow asked his cow, Diddle-Diddle, because she'd jumped over the moon in the past. Sure enough, Mr. Simpleton was correct, Diddle-Diddle confirmed his findings.

Bloody Mary is Offended when Folks Drink Bloody Marys

Bloody Mary Drink
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Sunday brunches wouldn't be the same without the Vodka-tomato juice based libation, but the real "Bloody Mary" (and I'm not referring to Queen Mary I) wants people to stop using her name. The ghostly spirit who appears in mirrors when her name is called three times has had enough. "If the alcohol industry wants to use my name, they're going to have to pay for it!" the bloody ghost whined, according to a group of school kids who saw the phantom in the mirror of their school's new inclusive, all-gender restroom.

Rumor has it that the apparition is considering trademarking the name, as someone reported seeing the phantom in the bathroom mirror at one of New York's top intellectual property attorney's office.

Santa Claus Really Does Know if You've Been Naughty or Nice

Santa Claus is Coming to Town
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John Frederick Coots and Haven Gillespie were right when they wrote the song Santa Claus is Coming to Town; Kris Kringel really "knows if you've been bad or good."

According to several sources who wish to remain anonymous, Jolly Ol' Saint Nick uses an app called "Big Brother--The Good Kid/Bad Kid Edition." The surveillance app allows the white-bearded philanthropist to see you when you're sleeping, know when you're awake, know if you've been bad or good—so be good for goodness sake.

When questioned about the legalities of spying on people (in light of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act), the 3-foot tall, pointy-eared pixie type sources turned around and ran away as fast as their tiny, jester-slipper type shoes could take them. Further calls to their workplace have been unsuccessful—it seems they are too busy making toys.

You Literally Are What You Eat

Potato Person
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A pudgy couple, while visiting New York, say they were so moved and inspired after attending a performance of the play Hamilton that they decided to celebrate the "good old U S of A" by indulging in a gluttony feast unlike any other they'd done in the past. The couple threw caution to the wind and ordered two of everything on their hotel room service menu, and washed their grub down with an abundance of intoxicating libations. The couple said they felt free and uninhibited while chowing down but later, during the wee hours of the morning, something happened.

In an event eerily similar to the scene in the movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory when Violet Beauregarde swells up like a blueberry, the couple claims they too turned into food. The man said when he looked in the bathroom mirror he was horrified at his reflection. The portly fellow claims he saw a piece of bacon staring back at him. The chunky woman also claimed she was transformed when she morphed into a quart of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream.

All's well, however, as the couple said by mid-afternoon, when they woke up, they were back to their normal meaty selves.

Elvis Has Not Left the Building

The "King"
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Elvis Aaron Presley is alive and living at Graceland! Well, according to a groundskeeper who worked at the Presley compound, he is. The worker claims he saw the famous elderly singer. (Elvis would be 82.)

In light of this newest sighting by the groundskeeper, others are coming forward to share their stories of seeing "The King." One woman claims she saw a man that resembled Elvis sitting on a park bench. She yelled out his name, which spooked the singer. As she was running towards Elvis, she saw several men in black suits jump out from behind some trees. The group quickly helped the old fellow (who was wearing blue suede shoes) off the bench, rushed him into a limousine and immediately sped off. When the woman reached the park bench, she noticed something on the table—a half-eaten fried peanut butter, jelly, and banana sandwich.

In another sighting, a young man in his early 20s says he delivered several hoagie sandwiches to Graceland late one evening, and as he was leaving, he heard voices, some laughter, and someone singing. The voices sounded vaguely familiar, but he couldn't immediately identify the persons. The young man quietly made his way towards the sound and found himself veering through an open window. He said he saw three or four people sitting at a card table playing Gin Rummy, and another person seated in the corner of the room on a folding chair singing and playing the guitar. When asked why he couldn't distinguish between whether he saw three or four people at the table, he said one person appeared to be a head without a torso.

The man said it'd taken a few seconds and a few puffs of his "doobie" cigarette before he began to recognize the people playing cards. He recalled seeing photographs of all but one at the home of his grandparents. He identified Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe, and John F. Kennedy. Although the three had aged significantly, "they still looked the same," said the young man. But, what about the head? "Well," he said, "It's the strangest thing. The head looked like Walt Disney." The one person he could not identify was the singer sitting in the corner. When asked about the song, the young man thought for a few moments and said, "I can't remember exactly, but it was something about a 'garden party.'" The last thing he recalled was being asked to leave Graceland by a garden gnome. The young man woke up the next morning in his car, parked behind a local bar, but couldn't remember how he got there.

Mount Rushmore is a Natural Formation

Mount Rushmore
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Singer, actor, activist and one-name celebrity Cher made quite a statement during the eulogy of her former husband, Sonny Bono. The famous singer said she believed Mount Rushmore was a natural phenomenon. As it turns out, there's a claim from an unnamed geologist who says Cher is right.

The unidentified scientist claims Mount Rushmore was a natural formation discovered by President Calvin Coolidge, whose favorability numbers were tanking at the time because of a bribery scandal involving his interior secretary and a couple of wealthy oil magnates. The president needed a diversion, but not just any diversion, he needed one that would bring back favorability with the people. So, he met with historian Doane Robinson and sculptor Gutzon Borglum to begin the process of fooling the public. Photographs of laborers diligently working on the stone were staged, and President Coolidge convinced his predecessor, President Herbert Hoover, to continue the ruse. The ploy continued through Franklin D. Roosevelt's term and finally ended with the big reveal during President Truman's time in office. By the time the National Memorial was revealed, everyone, including the next president, Dwight D. Eisenhower, believed the story.

"Somehow Cher" (with her keen eye for geology) "was able to detect the unique patterns of the natural stone," claimed the befuddled scientist. He also insisted that Cher's song "Believe" was actually about Mt. Rushmore (I think you have to play the song backward to hear the actual message). In addition, the unnamed scientist said the "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves" songstress would've been chosen to head the EPA had Hillary won the 2016 election.

Oh, now I understand why Cher was so upset election night.

Fake News

scared
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Although the preceding is a tongue-in-cheek article, these fake news stories fit snugly with BuzzFeed's posting of the unsubstantiated allegations against President-Elect Trump. If the website continues with their reckless practice, and if they ever print the truth again, they will become the digital media version of the boy who cried wolf—which is another story for the fake news website.

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