What the.........?

The stuff some of us do and the things we wear in the name of fashion, is to my mind, often super wacky. From strange, curious attire, bizarre tattoos, and hair colours and styles that not even a tropical bird would wear. This causes one to ponder, if mirrors have been banned from homes? Or is any attention, deemed, good attention?

High Heel Shoes

High ShoesCredit: Flickr ugg boy ugg girl

High heel shoes are just plain crazy. If you had to walk through streets of mud, they could be quite useful, but generally we don't. Or such shoes could be handy if we needed to squash a lot of cockroaches. I haven't noticed that many about though.

The idea behind wearing shoes on stilts, or brick like platforms however, is supposedly to make us look sexy. But does it? More like plain crazy! If you watch most women wearing these shoes, they either stride along like an out of work cowboy, or totter about with miniature steps, to minimise the chances of falling down.

Drag queens also tend to favour this type of foot wear, which I can understand, as generally as a group they are hardly subtle; mincing about with feather boas, silver eye shadow and gold lamé mini skirts. But why do so many women strop about in these monstrosities in the name of fashion?

Shoes with Red BottomsCredit: Flickr valeyoshino

While I am complaining, let me air a few issues I harbour, with a certain brand of red bottom shoes. Apparently to have a pair of stilted shoes with shiny red bottoms is something sought after, a thing to be desired, a status item.

However what if the shoe was red on the inside, rather than the bottom? Would the shoes be so coveted an item then? Or is it the fact that everybody can see the red bottom and know that you have a pair of these highly expensive foot protectors?

At a wedding recently, a young  flame haired miss tottered into the reception hall, wearing a satin mini dress about the size of a handkerchief, and a pair of red bottomed shoes. As she clacked daintily across the parquet floor, in the mode of one who had often been on a horse, a flock of women also wearing band aid sized apparel, swooped upon her, chanting the brand name of her shoes. Apparently evolutionarily attuned to sightings of these red bottomed fashion items, they began to swarm. Crazy or what?

Hair Extensions

Hair ExtentionsCredit: Flickr boogiemama

I really find hair extensions weird and horrible. People like Paris Hilton can change their hair length at a whim, by paying for hair extensions to be glued to their own meagre strands. The awful thing is, that 'real' hair extensions often come from India, where millions of people believe they are making an offering to god by donating their hair to Hindu temples. What these people don't know, is that their hair is sold for rather a lot of money to people in rich Western nations.

Cheaper hair extensions are synthetic, yes that's right! They are made of dead marine plants and animals, that lived millions of years ago. These type of hair extensions also look pretty manky in my opinion, as they quickly become damaged by friction and heat and begin to look like a spooky, furry, dead thing. The other horrifying thing is that hair extensions can make you develop bald spots like Naomi Campbell, who has a receding hairline.

Fake TanDonatella VersaceCredit: wikipedia

Orange TanCredit: Flickr Buckle Button Zip

Fake tans can look dog ugly, especially when united with fake platinum blonde hair, chalk-white teeth and colossal breast implants which defy gravity. Such a look becomes cartoon like and makes a mockery of humanity. I love all skin colours, except carrot orange. I will admit however, that a fake tan is better than the 'real', tan leatherette look. Both together however, is simple a travesty. But here's an idea! Why not appreciate the skin colour that you were born with? But alas I realise that in reality, many aspiring celebrities simply wouldn't have a style to emulate, if we banned this look. They could not possibly look like a real person!


Back TattooCredit: Flickr Ian McRob

Tattoo CoupleCredit: Flickr Mike Baird

Basically tattoos which have spread like the bubonic plague, are a bogan badge of honour. The prevalence of his low brow body art, seems to driven by various celebrities like, she of the leg, Angelina Jolie and laconic sportsman David Beckham.

My bet is that tattoos will be sooo out of fashion soon, as the next generation usually likes to define themselves in opposition to the generation before. So it would probably be a very good move to study laser tattoo removal now, as it is sure to be extremely popular in the not too distant future.

I also often wonder what these tattooed people will look like when they are old and shambling about with walking sticks? Just a thought.

And so

Having annoyed more than half the population of the known world. I think I will quit now while I am ahead, but really I have just got started. There is more, lots more......  

Fashion PoliceCredit: Flickr John Shlabotnik

Resuming my job in the fashion police.



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