Marriage; a beautiful unison of two souls who only wish separation by death itself. As newlyweds, they say that the first year is the most difficult. Having to settle into your new commitment can get irritating now that you have a husband who won't do the laundry or a wife who is bordering naggy. Truly, though, if you are reading this, you have long past the first year of marriage and often look back on it as a time of struggle, but also a time filled with love and compassion for one another. You remember the day you said "I do" and you hang your head, wondering, "Why couldn't we have stayed like that?" On that day, the last thing on your mind was TODAY; the day you face divorce.
As you carried on through the first year of marriage, you began making compromises. Many couples believe that these are the compromises that would later be the beginnings of a decaying marriage, but lets face it, you are not getting a divorce because he left the seat up or because she was a terrible cook. In fact, these may even be things that you began to love about your spouse, over time. So, why did you get a divorce? Here are three reasons that many couples move on in North America : Love, blame and money.
For the Love of Sex!
Did you know that, in the United States, about 15 per cent of married couples live in what a "sexless marriage"? This means that 15 per cent of married couples have sex less than 10 times per year. Believe it or not, especially within marriage, sex is a need. Those who believe that sex is disgusting or that it should only be used for procreation often live in these types of marriages, with a spouse who clearly wants SEX! These people have not been allowed to explore sex as a need as they have either been conditioned to see sex this way or have suffered a terrible sexual trauma.
Though a "sexless" marriage is an extreme case, it is important that everyone see sex as not only a need, but an action defined by love. For a woman, the act of sex is one she desires to feel closer to her mate; she wants to feel wanted . For men, sex is a form of release. Men who are getting the sex they need from their wives are much less likely to look for it elsewhere. Marriage requires consecration for a reason; it is the first act of love performed by the couple because it is a need for both parties involved. Needs specific to the person arise later in the marriage, but this need is always a needlessly fulfilled by the spouse; the cheapest form of entertainment!
YOU DID IT!
There is one particular mistake that you can make now that will only add to the baggage you already carry with you to your next relationship. It's called, "The Blame Game" and it is an ugly game. It doesn't matter who brought the marriage to its end, learn from your own mistakes and move on.
It's interesting how little you forget when you've been married 15 years. Somehow, mistakes your spouse made 2 years into your marriage still feel like fresh wounds, especially when you are fighting. The reason you feel that way is because you haven't forgiven them about these failures. You know exactly what I am talking about, that exasperated look they got every time you brought out "the list". Somehow, the fact theat they have no cash on them now reminds you of the time that you asked them to buy you something and they were just too cheap!
So, stop playing the blame game. It was YOUR fault, ALSO. Whether your marriage is only just now ending, or whether you need to know how to stop it from doing so, this is a major problem many couples end everything over. Either accept it or change it.
What's Mine is "Ours"... For Now
I am sure you have heard the saying, "money is the root of all evil." This is not in the least bit true. Money has no thoughts of its own, no emotions, no capacity for concocting an evil plan to thwart hope and prosperity. Money is money. Paper. End of story.
Sadly, money is a huge reason why people in North America file for divorce every day. society doesn't exactly help us with this one. In North America, you are successful if you have a nice home, a nice car and a heavy wallet. We have all been conditioned as consumers and believe that if we don't have money to buy something, we are unsuccessful. This is why marriages fail.
The very notion of a prenuptial agreement is that, in the event of divorce, your money will be safe. Forget trusting your spouse and forget "unconditional" love.
Let's face it, we have all been frustrated at our spouses for buying something that we didn't feel they "needed". They may have even skipped out on "their half" of the bills to buy something and left you in a very tight position. At this point, it is difficult to not be frustrated.
In the event that you are still working at your marriage, try this: Pay your bills, make sure everyone is fed and clothed, buy one thing per paycheck (that's twice per month!) and throw the rest into savings for you and your spouse to use when the desire arises. Live this way for several months and take note of how many times you fight, what your fight was about and what started the argument. You will see that in just a few short months, money is either not an issue, or it's become a much smaller issue.
How Does That Make You Feel?
Remember, Marriage counselling exists because humans exist. We all make mistakes. If you are already in the process of a divorce, seek professional advice from a therapist; they will be able to help you make sense of the days to come. It's imperative that you enter into your next relationship healed, otherwise, you are just raising the statistics.