Do you have Gender Dysphoria and self-harm because of it? Have you ended up in the hospital overnight due to self-harm because of your dysphoria? The urge to self-harm can be overwhelming when faced with total exclusion from society and all its rewards. You are to blame and therefore deserve punishment...it makes you feel better. Is there a way to stop it? Is there a way to change your mind?
You feel really awful about yourself and consider your life a failure. These are the messages society is pounding into your head because your body does not match your gender identity. The intensity of the feelings are palpable and the only way you think that you can deal with the feelings is to self-harm rather than reaching out for help. You feel that you do not deserve help and even worse, if the gender doctors find out about your mental problems they will not let you transition. They only want mentally stable people to transition into the perfect human beings they were meant to be. But who is mentally stable? I have not met a person yet who can be totally classified as mentally stable and the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders agrees with me; there are few, if any, who are totally sane.
The messages you are getting from society about how your body should be, how you should act and who you should love are all lies. Designed to control, manipulate and profit off of you as an individual and society as a whole. It's as if they want you to harm yourself; and we do. Every time we eat at McDonalds or smoke a cigarette. Every time we ignore the needs of others for our selfish need we harm ourselves. You are not your body, you are a wonderful perfect spirit in a material world yet blinded by the illusion that all this means anything at all; it doesn't. Your body is just the cover of the book that is you. There are many wonderful and fascinating things about you that society cannot see, things that make you special and will bring you love.
Show us. Show us all the things that make you special and try, just try, to let in just a little bit of the love that comes your way. Ignore the thoughts in your head for just a brief second if you can and allow yourself to feel love. The love of your friends and family, co-workers and even perfect strangers. All filled with love bottled up by the very same forces that compel you to hide and hurt. Part of what makes life special is not that you can be loved, but that you HAVE something or someone to love. We physically need to give our love away and you can see that most people would do anything for love; anything.
You know that you do not love yourself and feel that you are not deserving of love. You shun every attempt to reach your heart and then punish yourself for not being able to feel the love shown you. Just for a minute put the razor down and look at yourself as deeply and completely as you can. All laid bare before you don't judge what you see. Your body is beautiful and it deserves love. The only people in our society that deserve to be punished are the clever ones who use your insecurities to control and manipulate you. They are the ones that are holding the blade to your skin and they are the ones who revel in your pain. Don't let them win. Instead try to realize in yourself that all the stuff they are throwing at you is garbage designed to fill your head and waste your space until your dead. You are not your body and you are not pain. Allow people to see you, stand in the light and see how much love they are willing and compelled to send you. Just let in a little at a time and you will slowly, softly change. The love that will fill up your heart will grant you the room to love yourself.