That's What You Get for Going To The Chinese Place

This one's for stomach pain, not the heartburn kind (sorry, heart-unhealthy people)

This man I've named Larry (pictured above) suffers your sickness. Either that or swallowed a gallon of luminescent, red pain, but I'm optimistic. That and aware that drinking paint is bad for you so I'm really hoping that wasn't it. *nervously checks Larry's room for evidence*

Okay, so let's face facts. Your stomach hurts (unless you're just a weird info-predator...or preparing for the worst). What was it that did this to you? The chili dog, or the Baconator? (don't worry, I won't tell the Wendy girl this time). Well, you're in luck, but only in the sense that you won't die. As an added bonus, this remedy will save you from getting hit by lightning while underground in the Alaskan Desert (prove me wrong! - the lightning part, not the Alaska desert part. I know my geography better than I may let on), but it is also fairly commonly believed to knock out that aching belly like a sick, blind infant fighting John Cena while on steroids...maybe not quite that fiercely, but close. CLOSE! 

So no more games, Author-Guy. What's the remedy, you ask? And if you aren't asking it, then you need more encouragement. Just read a bunch of religious books, films, speeches, ideology, theory, lesson plans, transcripts of sermons, and so on until you feel the sudden urge to "Better Yourself" Once you've achieve BetterYourselfment, go back, find this article, and finish it!

Unless you're Satan. *exhales* So back on track (ADD wearing off...pills kicking in...)

The Entire Article in Two Words:

             Baking Soda.

              word 1    word 2

See? I didn't lie. The End.

*just kidding* Let's elaborate more on this. I suppose a single substance alone doesn't really give you a full-on, in-depth look at what I'm suggesting. For all you know, a drug-familiar reader might confuse it with other substances and (when his stomach ails him) snort it. THIS IS BAD! I haven't done this because I know inhaling random powders is bad for you. Maybe allergy sprays can be exceptions, but you at least know their purpose, which, I'm sure, is for allergies, not the gut. 

The Recipe:  1. One Large Cup of Water (Because it's calorie free, refreshing, and a darn good solvent for the material mentioned in number two)

                     2. One half (1/2, fractions for the math professors) teaspoon of Baking Soda

                     3. A Stomach Ache - if you don't have one, you'll develop cat-like tails and be regarded as a freak and a scientific wonder (usually I say "just kidding" but there's a chance you could, so I'll just go ahead and say, 'It's Unlikely'

                     4. The physical ability to mix the Baking Soda with the cup of water. Without this, I recommend finding an able-bodied friend to do this task in exchange for seven dollars (7 because it's a lucky, it's not 8!)

Then what?  Well, you drink it, duh! You mix the 1/2 teaspoon of BS (Baking Soda, not that other thing that it means) into the water. You drink it. If you don't have the ability to drink, then your stomach is probably is the least of your worries right now. Really. 

As far as taste goes, it's a bitter, salty taste that only gets better (by better I mean worse) the longer you take to drink it. This neutralizes acids, aiding your stomach in settling. Only use plain, pure baking soda, people

It should kick in around five minutes or so after consumption. As much as one full teaspoon is admissible (you have my noble permission to do this) if a half did you no good. So to clear up the math-defficient people's confusion, let me paraphrase (for the English-defficient, paraphrase/reword). This means you take a half teaspoon...let's say it only helps a little...take another half teaspoon, equalling a total of one full teaspoon. Isn't following directions wonderful (it's just a cliché, people, I hate them as much as all of you certainly do). If this doesn't do you any good, I suggest asking your doctor about surgical removal of your stomach (or both, if you're of certain animal species), so you can't get aches there anymore. Like getting cutting off your hair so people don't pull it in school - it works. *not responsible for the obvious rejection you will receive at the doctor's office*

On a final note, this has worked for me, but it may not work on you if you are any of the following:  "A ghost, anybody with the ability to read/comprehend this article, aliens (the space kind), Atheists, a grocery bagger, a hair stylist, a human, a living organisms of any origin/creed, or have spent summers in Quebec (sorry Lionel)"

For the rest of you, Congrats on finding the perfect solution to your stomach aches. To leave negative, angry remarks, post a comment or send me hate mail. I've seen the worst there is, I am a wall to words, an impenetrable wall!