How not to be Douchebag


Through out the ages philosophers have pondered every aspect of humans life and our place on the planet. People have collectively gone through enough midlife crises to outlive the sun and questioned meaning and purpose to the very deepest reaches of their souls. Yet no question is as notorious and well know than that of; "How do I not be a douche bag?" And yes, many people have sacrificed their lives in endless belligerence and pugnacity in search of an answer to this question. But now after years of intensive research there has been some anecdotal evidence gathered that hints at the underlying laws of non-douchebaginess. The following are some situations that have been found effective.

1) If you have a wife or husband; don't sleep with anyone else unless it's supposed to be a special surprise; "Hey honey guess what I did for your birthday!"

2) Don't call people fat, unless they are, or they deserve it, or both.

3) If you are teaching someone how to be as witty as you are, the following is not an entirely acceptable way of going about it:

"Having problems being funny? A good starting place is to talk about yourself and be honest. If you are the type of person who has problems with quickly creating intelligent remarks and social interactions, then you life should already have a vast supply of humorous stories. See those attractive women over there? Go tell them about your new electric can opener."

4) If there is a person with no arms, do not challenge them to a duel. Neither is is acceptable to ask them for a game of cards, massage or arm wrestle.

5) Do not take the banana from the monkey.

6) As selfish as it seems of other people, it appears that they do not like you making good use of "their" possestions. As if they do. When throwing a party in your neighbors house or taking their car for a spin while their away, it is recommended and considered polite to hide all evidence or deflect it to others if there is any. We would not want to form bad relationships with our neighbors now would we?

Amazingly enough, as we can see, there are many ways to not be a douche bag and even better; there are ways you can learn yourself! It's not rocket science! The folowing is the key to spotting offense taking in others; Observation. If you are sufficiently astute you may be able to detect emotional signs that people around you are actually displeased with your actions. There are hand books and guides on this sort of thing but here are a few quick pointers; Screaming, yelling or other forms of violent verbalization. Physical violence, particularly directed at you within a short duration of time from when you greeted them. Tears, these phenomena are water droplets leaking from the eyes that is usually accompanied with spurts of strange wailing. If any of these things catch your keen eye, you can be the socially savvy one and offer them the universal appeasement gift of chocolate. Best of luck to you, you cheeky dog!

See also Being Cool