You Can Be President!

Unless You Have Feelings

[picture deliberately malformed...or was it? I could just be covering my - nah, it was deliberate. At least, you'll think that. Prove me wrong! Prove it!!!]

     This guide only applies if you are not already president or have not been a president (American only) within the last four years. If you have, let me first say how freaking amazed I am that YOU – The President – would somehow find a purpose in reading something written by me. I mean, seriously! Who am I to you? You could be reading anything right now. Or demanding the death of hundreds of people in some secret island that you seek to dominate. Well, in this case I might feel so obliged as to take a few minutes just to decompress and comprehend this knowledge…*decompress*

…Okay, so I’ve deflated or whatever. Cool. I thought it through and realized (through mental math and Steven Hawking’s assistance) that the President will not ever read this. I even wondered if there was a purpose writing at all after that. I mean, it really hurt me. I thought – for one fleeting minute (Steven Hawking’s really *really* smart, only taking one minute) – that the black guy running our nation would even “accidentally” come across this. But nope. Fine.

Screw it then.

So here’s some tips to the non-President (a.k.a Less Important) person who wants to be presi—

Aw, who am I kidding? You’re probably saying, “If you have good tips, why aren’t you president?” right? Well, maybe it’s just because I’m busy with personal things. Yeah! YEAH! (Gardening, for example, I can’t just stop watering my petunias) And why do you have to be such a know-it-all anyway? Who’s paying you? Is it Martin? From next door?  If it is, tell him I’ll have his money by this Thursday. I just need enough time for Lucas to come through with his Street Pharmacy gig. I just need more time! I’m going off track.

Point being, I might have good ideas anyhow. Ambition and ideas come from different parts of the brain, at least, they do for me. If you’re some sort of brain scientist and can prove me wrong, DON’T. Just act offended, play it smart, and walk away. That’s the noble (Christian/Atheist/American/Moral/non-jerk) thing to do.

Forget it! Let me just shoot off my stupid, pointless ideas anyhow. Not like any readers made it this far anyhow. And if you actually did…I feel so sorry for you. There are only two reasons I could think you wasted this much of your time.

  1. You’re unemployed (and plan to stay that way, even though you have the means to fix it)
  2. Or you’re a Google Spider bot with intentions of categorizing and placing this document in organized files across the web (ha, just realized the connection between spider and The Web! funny).

If you don’t fall into these two categories then you might be axe-murderer. It happens, hey, I once knew a guy who killed an axe-murderer with – you guessed it – a series of negatively opinionated comments about his lifestyle that caused him to spiral into a black hole of life-reflecting, leading to self-destruction after jumping into a lake (it was shallow, but the guy couldn’t swim so…he still died).    

*author realizes how much time he’s wasted. Buy’s a sweater at a cheap gas station to keep warm in his poorly ventilated house and finally starts writing tips*

Tip 1:

Have political parents. If you can’t do that, then have your parents disappear and then get adopted by political parents (political defined as, “people who are governor, senator, or street lawyer” all else must be terminated due to their interfering nature).

Tip 2:

Gradually work your way into politics with no legitimate political background, but having the support of your Senator/Governor parent. Just one parent in this role is permitted, but it’s best if they are deleted from you day-to-day life as they may impede in your advances into the public eye.

Tip 3:

Get rid of the political parent if you haven’t already. Now that you’re in the public eye, you have probably gained enough interest to be elected as something local and small (this is how it starts…how it always starts). Without the parent, there is more room for you in the spotlight. As a means of diverting suspicion, you should consider pinning their disappearance (or whatever you decide to do) on your running competitor. It’s hard to win elections in prison.

Tip 4:

Repeat. Repeat this process about thirteen times, each time inching your way up the power chain. If you have enough money, pay off people, destroy reputations, rig ballots, and gain notoriety in the public eye (preferably the “good” kind). If you’ve followed most of the other tips, you clearly have no conscience, and will most likely have no issues in doing awful, evil, horrible things. Bringing us to our final tip.

Tip 5:

If you have successfully become our nation’s Commander in Chief this last step is the most important. FIRST, you must deposit $20,000,000 of taxless (not a word, but it flows better), unmarked bills into a bank account that I will forward to you post-election. This money will be wired to my account (in Switzerland, most likely) each hour forever. Should these demands not be met, I will assume full responsibility in brining your awful injustices to light. You will spend the rest of your life behind steel bars with a Latino man named Lupe who has 5 Gum breath and an affliction for rubbing shoulders.

Case in Point, I’ll expect my money. If you don’t make it to the level of President, I have no need for you (and you are clearly not American) so you should probably move to a different country. Iran or Georgia are distant enough from our American Society. Pick.


As another possibility, if you have only read this out of personal curiosity, well, you know how they say curiosity killed a cat?

You do?

*Reader’s vision suddenly goes black*

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Enjoy smiling, but hate thinking of your own ways to do it? I sure as heck do. 


When I want to waste my brain down to nothing but mushy goo that is probably terminal, I go to books - funny ones. And Stephen Colbert is historic for doing that (the comedy, not brain deterioration). One of his books (click books if you're curious or from Spain) is funnier than most, but not all. If you don't laugh by the end of it, I owe you an apology...under law I cannot offer you more than an apology or perhaps two apologies if you somehow develop illness from my suggestions. So yeah. There are other funny books in the universe (not just the planet, that would be selfish). So pick any one and laugh. Laughter is good for, I guess. I don't know. But laugh. 

Or I'll make you