Credit: Arief Rahman Saan (Ezagren) [Attribution], via Wikimedia Commons
I've found it pretty interesting how many times I've been part of a conversation with all the ladies who are wondering how they can get a boyfriend, and where they can find a great one.The fact is, there are more searches done online by you guys wondering just how to find a girlfriend, than there are ladies. I have to chuckle at this. I want to offer this to the conversation--somewhere, there is a great guy, and he really wants a great person like you to be his girlfriend! I bite my toungue. I've learned from my own experience that there's something to this disconnect--it's "bad math". There are great girls out there looking for great guys who are looking for great girls... wait, huh? It doesn't add up, right? But, I do understand what it's like to be unhappy in your current situation and to want to find someone, so I thought I'd share some insights I learned along the way.
Just a head's up: It won't have anything to do with your "approach", your "pick-up style" or your "game".
I know you might be lonely, or don't feel you know quite how to ask someone out, or put yourself out there to find a girlfriend. I can relate to that. But I think that's normal. In fact, that might be a great thing that you have going for you. Probably a strange thing to hear, yes? But I'll explain, a little later on.
We're Going to Assume You Want A Quality Girlfriend.
Also, I am assuming you want a good girlfriend, not just anyone. Here's the thing, anyone at all can have a girlfriend. I know some of you don't believe that, but that makes me very sure you have not either been to the parties I was at as a teenager, or, if older, have been into some of the dive bars I have. Trust me, I have definitely encountered guys who have a "girlfriend", and that "girlfriend" is hanging on them like a piece of wet noodle. Really, that's not the girlfriend we're talking about here. (Also, I might have been her on a few occasions...)Credit: http://mrg.bz/5CzbHa
A quality girlfriend is kind, loyal, interesting to you, and fun to be with. Notice how I didn't lead with, "super good looking"? There's a reason for that. Again, sorry to put you off, but I will explain later in the article.
I Am Not Going To Give A Step-By-Step Process For Finding A Girlfriend-You're Too Interesting For That!
You're too dynamic to be made into a one-dimensional, one-size-fits-all "how-to" manual; I won't insult you by talking about your needing better hygiene. That would be missing the point, anyway.
So just how do you find a girlfriend?
Here it is, plain and simple: The best way to find a girlfriend, is to be the kind of guy you would want to spend time with, and to find someone who agrees that you are. It really is that simple.
Really, I could leave it at that, and you'd have some of the best information to keep you successful in the dating world, forever. But I won't do that, because I know you're probably floundering with this (or you wouldn't have looked it up on the internet in the first place).
I also know that because I was once a befuddled "Desparate Debbie" who would tap in the same search with the term "boyfriend". So, high-fives to all of us who've graduated or are looking to graduate from the ranks of awkward and totally confused. (Big-ups.)
Remember earlier when I implied that your being lonely or feeling like you need to find a girlfriend might be a good thing? In a strange way, it is. That's because you're willing to be a real person, who isn't always perfect, and has struggles. This just happens to be your struggle, and it's a pretty normal one. Also, that girlfriend you're going to find is going to have her own struggles too, no matter what age, and the point of being together is that you enjoy each other's company, enjoy being there for each other, and are also able to be yourself, too.
(Note, if this is not your point in having a girlfriend, you don't want a girlfriend, you want something else, which is probably an entirely different search term and site altogether, if you get my drift!) Also, stop reading this article right now. You're wasting precious time for chasing that other thing y0u might actually be wanting. So, this is a good chance to get honest about your intentions. If it's just physical, you will never, ever keep a quality girlfriend. Again, see "bar noodle" above for what your reality will actually look like.
"Good guys finish last", just sounds like some tool's way of rationalizing hooking up with his bro's girlfriend. We don't live by the code of the "King of the Jungle". If we did, customary to lion-etiquette, he would have also viciously attacked and killed said girlfriend's young children, before running his friend off the savahanna, and taking the girl for his own. So don't believe the hype, being nice is actually crucial to finding and keeping a quality girlfriend.
Become your best self.
I'm not trying to sucker-punch you here, but the reason you're not finding a girlfriend is that you are not confident. I am going to say it in another way. You've not taken the time to make yourself into the person you most want to be. No, I am not talking about being a rock star, or knowing exactly how to "build game", or saying the right things. I am talking about taking every part of you, and making it into the best person you can be. Not to get all flowery on you, but you really are your own cool piece of art. You can create whatever you want.
So, just how do you become the guy you'd want to date? You look at everything that's great about you. I mean everything. You concentrate on that, like it's your dying thought, and you use that as a great foundation. I started with realizing I was a fairly good friend. Who doesn't want a loyal person in their life? That was a great quality to have, right? Then I worked on becoming a person I would truly want to date- loyal, fun, interesting, goal-oriented, and kind.
Here's the rub, this takes work! You are going to have to work at becoming confident and becoming (as Oprah says) "your best self". (I will apologize here for bringing Oprah anywhere into this formula. Sorry.) I think we know innately what we need to do to feel confident So, fess up to yourself, what is it for you?
It won't be easy, but it will be the best thing you've ever done. I did mention it won't be easy, right?
The thing is, by the time you've started that process, strangely, the kind of sweet-lady friends you actually do dig, the "hot girl" you might never imagined would be into you (do you hear the lack of confidence in that thought?), are not going to seem that scary, foreign, or hard to approach. It's going to happen pretty naturally at that point.Credit: http://mrg.bz/ELIWcP/morguefile.com
Wait, in case you didn't really let that sink in, dating will happen much more naturally at that point.
You'll get that how to find a girlfriend really translates to, how to be a likeable guy, or even more accurately, how to like yourself.
For those of you still wanting to hash out the details, I'll tell you this, ask her out if you're generally interested in getting to know who she is. (Of course you find her attractive, you wouldn't ask out someone you weren't attracted to, because that would be silly.) You won't die if she says no, because you'll know you're a cool dude she's missing out on, anyway, right? If she's cold-hard-brutal in the turn-down, well, duuuude, she did you a favor. She showed how unkind she can be, to a perfect stranger putting himself on the line, no less (that's not cool, I repeat, that's not cool).
If it's taking time, you won't notice as much, you're too busy having fun in a fun life. Really, you'll be too. busy. having. fun.
Most importantly, be yourself, the one who enjoys this new-found confidence and cool life. She'll dig it, and if she won't? Trust me, she's not good enough for you, anyway.
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