Mad Mamma

She shows up at the worst possible time. Takes forever to leave and always has something to say about everything. The Mother in law can drive some, to pull out their hair and scream uncontrollably. If this sounds like you, then this could be the guide for you.

First of all the spouse must be on board. To attempt an M.I.L. removal alone, can cause irreparable damage to a marriage. Definitely not worth the risk, no matter how bad things get. Those of us in these circumstances will just have to take it on the chin.

The best place to start worrying about this calamity is before the M.I.L. arrives. This could give you an opportunity to nip it in the bud. Make sure the spouse knows, that under no circumstances are they to invite the M.I.L. to stay for any reason. This must be definite and no matter what, stick to the guns.

When there is a failure of the system and an M.I.L. does get by the precautions we've taken, by all means stay home. Leaving to get away from it all, could just collect a new family member to feed. Left unattended, something can be cooked up while your gone. We need to stay there with our guard up, ready for anything.

Never let the stay, go into the work week. They will help out too much and give more reason why leaving would be detrimental to the household. If this stage is reached, then there's no alternative, pull out all the stops.

It's time to get messy. Leave your socks on the table and fart a lot. Burp out loud and then exclaim how good it felt. Make sure the toilet seat is always in the wrong position, whatever the case may be. Never do the dishes and wait a few days to take a shower. This is for all the marbles so whatever it takes.

Invite your friends to come over for a ball game on TV, or maybe a poker game, with a lot of swearing and drinking. Play like you forgot they were here and walk in the room naked, twice. In case they figured it was a mistake the first time. If you have a cell phone call from home, to the house phone, because they always answer the telephone for us, and then hangup. (make sure your cell is on silent)

Take them for a ride to the store and run out of gas. Make them walk home. Feed the dog some beans and leave it in the room with them. Get an extra remote and keep changing the channels secretly while there watching TV.

These are all things we can do to deter the future visits, or at least lessen their duration. Getting back some of our own lives is what we're after here. Then of course there is always the possibility that you like your mother in law.......