I have found it extremely important to swallow my pride and learn to fetch, cook, clean and tidy whilst there is a big football tournament on the TV. These are some of the rules I have followed ...

Things You Will Need

Flowers, Food, Money, Humble Pie, SKY Plus (or equivalent)

Step 1

Ensure that you never, ever fail to record the soaps and / or the other "must see TV" that she normally watches ... you know the ones, where you would rather be sticking red hot needles into your eyes than watching them yourself !!

Step 2

Make sure that you have cut the grass and kept the garden generally tidy so that she can sit out there and "enjoy" it. Be prepared, buy Factor 4, 8, 12, 30 & 50 sun-tan lotion, make sure it is in spray bottles so that she can do her own back. Also have After Sun lotion ready as she will no doubt burn somewhere. Finally, ensure that she has insect repellant, a fly swatter and plenty of insect killing spray to hand, you know how annoying these killer gnats can be !!!

Step 3

Offer to do the cooking for her, especially if you can plan it around half times and the gaps between the matches. Lighting the barbecue before the first match kicks off, cooking some burgers at half time & leaving chicken to cook during the second half is an excellent way to not only keep her happy, but also to get away from her for 20 minutes to up the tempo of your drinking !!!

Step 4

Keep the front room tidy, hoover & dust for her (just the bits she can see, of course) and make the room look all nice and neat. Throw the beer cans straight into the bin / recycling when you've done with them and clean the burger sauce from the sofa. Always try to get to the bathroom to vomit as this is a bugger to clean up without getting found out !!!

Step 5

Buy her flowers, or better still, cut her flowers from your own garden and tell her you grew them just for her. If you buy enough of the right sort, the aroma can overpower the stench of your days of unwashed BO & spilt beer so much that she may even try to understand you when you explain why you are screaming at the linesman for yet another wrong offside call !!!

Step 6

If you snore, sleep downstairs !!!

I have stuck to these rules pretty much for the past month and I have been able to enjoy uninterrupted viewing pleasure of every single game that's been on the TV ... and my wife thinks I'm wonderful too !!!

Happy days, bring on the Premier League !!!

Tips & Warnings