If you are broke as a joke and want to look almost naked this Halloween then this is your article. This how-to article on creating your own sexy Halloween costume is the definitive guide to the night out you are really going to want to forget. Read on.
Things You Will Need1) String. Dental floss will suffice in a pinch.
2) Makeup. Probably a LOT in your case.
3) Paper bags. The ones you squeeze your ham sandwich for lunch in is fine.
4) Stilettos. Handle with care.
5) Low self esteem. None is ideal; low will suffice.
6) Libido. Look it up.
Step 1First, tie the string around your chest. It's important to note that if you are Dolly Pardon's category you'll need an additional piece of string. If you're using your cats yarn ball then you should be good. Those things are like ten miles long. If not, purchase some extra string in advance to avoid the extra trip to Hobby Lobby. Tie the knot (or knots) but leave it (or them) a little loose. If you are using dental floss get the minty fresh kind, not the unscented kind. I have no reasonable explanation for that suggestion. Move on to step two.
Step 2Next, wrap the paper bag around your waist. I would just scotch tape it but do whatever you want. If you're pressed for time and can't find scotch tape use gum or something. I guarantee you have a piece floating around the bottom of that parachute of a purse you carry around all day. What's the rent in that thing anyway? Try and talk mother nature out of precipitation while you're at it or you're SOL.
Step 3Slather as much goop on your face as you have room for. It is Halloween after all. I mean you'll get away with it this one time. If you are going to make the sexy Halloween costume you have always dreamed about (in nightmares) then you are going to have to paint your face like you paint the town. If you got hit with the ugly stick in life DO NOT skip this step.
Step 4Toss the Stilettos on and finish your happy meal. It's time to party! No sexy Halloween costume would be complete with out that footwear. If you happen to trip and fall, who cares? You'll have so much makeup caked on your face no one will know you're bleeding. Proceed.
Have fun tonight! Because people are sure to have fun at your expense. I know I would. Always keep your expenses for this costume at a minimum; you'll need that cash to pay your psychiatrist. Most of all remember this--we're not laughing with you, we're laughing at you! Now go out and wear that sexy Halloween costume with pride!!