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Run For Your Life! - How To Survive A Horror Movie

By Edited Jul 18, 2016 2 1

You think you are nice and safe cuddled on the couch watching a nice horror movie. Werewolves are not real, vampires do not exist, and as far as you know the swamp monster is still out there preying on alligators. You watch your horror thinking, "Man, if this happened to me, I would be fine." Would you?

Would you have enough forethought to avoid the deadly horror movie clichés? While it is unlikely you are ever going to end up starring in your own personal little horror movie situation, here are some things to avoid.

michael meyers

Do not run upstairs

This is a rookie mistake. Someone comes up bloody, crazed, and wielding a knife banging on one of your doors and people just lose all sense. They run upstairs and lock themselves in a closet or something. It may seem like a grand idea in a panic, but you are setting yourself up to be as dead as an attractive young blonde girl. Worse luck for you if you do happen to be an attractive young blonde girl, statistics say you are probably the first to go. If you are going to hide, make sure there is a way to escape that doesn't involve having to run by the killer down the stairs or jump out of a second story window.

If you hide, hide well

If you do choose hiding instead of sprinting for your life, at least hide well. Do not sit there panting for five seconds then peak out the closet. Stay still, stay quiet. Contain your tears, ladies and gentlemen. Focus on slowing your breathing so that it is not quite so loud as well. Stay there as long as you possibly can. If you see a shadow right in front of the door, it may be time to go on the offensive and find a better hiding spot.

28 weeks later

Run for it

A lot of horror situations could be solved by running like the dickens. Of course, when running, expect to trip at least twice. Should you also be some sort of track star, expect to be caught with great ease by a villain that is only power walking. Should you actually escape them, don't run someplace useless like your boyfriends or your best friends. Try running to a hospital, police station or even a bar in a pinch. There is safety in numbers, especially when those numbers have guns or are so drunk they think they are heroic.

Do not look back

If you are running or driving away. Never look back. especially never take the time to slow down or stop to look back. Just book it. If your killer is catching up to you, at least you will die without those extra moments of panic realizing that your lifelong love of tobacco is preventing you from running any faster.

Check your car

If you are a bit out of shape, perhaps sprinting anywhere but 100 meters in any direction is out of the question. If you are determined to drive somewhere, you should do three things. Pick up a weapon, check the backseat, and know that if you do manage to unlock your car in a panic it will either be broken or you will drop your keys. If by some miracle you get the car started, your killer will find you. You can travel to Taiwan, they will still backstroke across the Pacific and find you.

Regardless of if you will get away, always check the backseat. Even under the car. The killer cutting that person's Achilles tendon from under the car in Urban Legend still makes me panic a bit when going to my vehicle at night.

horror movie hero

Do not be a hero

No matter what every fiber of your being is telling you, this is no time to be a hero. If they got themselves into trouble, it is their own darn fault. More often than not, their cries of terror are a trap set just to kill you terribly. It is probable they will already be done for when you get there anyway.

Travel in groups

I firmly believe that Scooby Doo was a trap set up for people to die horribly. Far too many casualties in horror movies could be prevented by merely just sticking together. Five people can look out for each other much better than one or two people can. You never know, a raving deranged murderer may even be a member of your group. You'll find them easier to subdue with four other people tackling them to the ground.

Do not be afraid to move out

If you spend your life savings on a beautifully creepy house and later find out that the previous inhabitant was a murderer, insane, a mad scientist, or committed suicide it may be time to find a new house. You have seen movies like Sinister, Cold Creek Manor, and Amityville Horror. You think there would have been an interesting movie had they just moved out? No. If you stay because of the financial burden it would cause you to move, than your horror movie is just all your fault.

jason

Make sure it is dead

Say you are a proud gun owner or at some point nicked a police officers' piece, you pump a few rounds into your killer and sigh, "it's over."

You just set yourself up for disaster if not prevented. Make sure your killer is dead. Tap into your inner butcher and chop off his head and maybe a few limbs for good measure. Maybe even light it on fire. Sure, the police will think you are insane, but whatever. Better insane than sorry, right?

Do not be a minority

This says something about the racism present in the horror movie genre, but you better darn well be prepared if you or your group of friends get into a horror situation and you are the only minority there. Statistics say you will be targeted first. Best to just ditch your friends, perhaps even use them as bait. Really though, if you are anything other than a white male / female or the guy / girl they have been best friends with for years and secretly love, your likelihood of surviving is slim.

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Comments

May 3, 2013 11:34am
AdaptiveWalrus
If I was a survivor in the last Friday the 13th movie, I would've actually pushed Jason through the wood-chipper. Then I would've proceeded to scoop up the remains, watered it down with something acidic like Coke or battery acid. This new liquid would be put into the plastic they use in Breaking Bad. The four separate containers would each be buried in a different state on each side of the country.... but then there wouldn't be a sequel lol.
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