So you've always wanted to stick it to the man, have you? Don't want to get kicked off of welfare, yet they're telling you to get out there and hustle up some interviews? Take heart. You aren't required to make a good impression. You have only one chance to make a first impression. Don't worry, making an awful one is simple. Follow these easy steps, and you won't have any trouble convincing unemployment that you didn't get the job!
Things You Will Need1) An inappropriate wardrobe:
For a woman, sexy / skimpy clothes
Anything that says "gang banger"
Clothes with offensive wording on it
2) A foul mouth
3) Loser attitude
Step 1Once upon a time getting out of a job was as simple as "Goth." Pink hair, a couple of tattoos and piercing and nobody would hire you. Not so now! So many people have piercing and tattoos that it really doesn't effect your prospects one whit. To blow an employment interview you need to kick it up a notch. Practice looking at the world from a victim mentality. Tell yourself your sad story over and over again. Your parents didn't like you, so you can't expect strangers will. Set yourself up for failure. Don't investigate the company. Don't investigate the bus route or arrange for a ride, leave everything to chance and hope you end up late.
Step 2Be defensive from the get go. Explain that you're late because you couldn't get a sitter, or your boyfriend needed the car. Better yet, bring your boyfriend with you and have him sit in the lobby glowering while you interview. Make no apologies for being late. Explain that you got there when you could. Remind the interviewer that she's not your mother. Sprinkle your defensive blather with ample profanity.
Step 3Douse yourself with cheap perfume. Wear garish makeup in bright colors. Nails with glitter or some hokey foil design. Try to have nails too long to actually type at a computer. Cough without covering your mouth, then pick up something on the interviewer's desk and look at it. Do this while they are asking you a question so that you can reply with something like, "What were you saying? I wasn't listening. . . "
Step 4Ask about benefits and paid holidays and remind them that you don't work on your birthday. If they comment on your attire, point out that they are being really judgmental. If you have time smoke a joint before you go so that you really reek. If you don't have time, at least gargle with some vodka. Ask about medical benefits because you need your vicodin and percocet.
Don't let anyone tell you what to do. Express yourself! Be a free spirit! Remember if anything's wrong it's always someone else's fault: your mom, your dad, your loser boyfriend.