How to Fix a Sexless Marriage
So, you remember the days way back when your husband or wife couldn't wait to get into the sack with you. The days when a quickie was okay because it was one of many times that sex was going to happen at least one more time that day. Then sex starts to wane. At first it is every day....then every other day...then once a week...eventually, sex happens only every once in a while and the times between when it happens and when it doesn't start to be longer and longer. This article is about how to fix a sexless marriage. If you are in a relationship in which sex has virtually disappeared, then you are going to want to read this.
When one partner wants sex and the other doesn't, the typical frame of thinking is that it must be me. This is rarely the case though. Lack of interest in sex usually points to deeper problems within the relationship that need to be addressed first in order to make a better relationship. It is an inside out approach. If you can determine where the real problems lie, then the chances of powering up a sexless marriage are greatly enhanced.
Another typical response when someone is in a sexless marriage is to blame the other for their problems or worse still blame yourself. Verbally blaming yourself or your partner will only increase the rift between you two though. It is important to know that chances are good that neither partner is fully to blame that each of you hold a stake in the problems in your relationship.
The past of your relationship can give you clues into what is wrong and where things started to go wrong. A sexless marriage doesn't just happen. Usually it takes time to fester and grow. Rarely do you go from daily sex to no sex. The past can help you understand why your marriage is sexless.
Were you two doing something different?
Did the late night talks end?
Do you spend all your time dealing with work or children?
Do you have date nights?
Do you still touch each other and are you intimate in other ways?
These are all questions that you could investigate to get to the root of your problem.
You can still love your spouse and not want to have sex with them
Many believe that lack of sex means that the spouse doesn't care or love them anymore. They place a higher value on the act of it and forget that the real root of a sexless marriage is a lack of intimacy. To fix a sexless marriage, all you need to do is reignite the intimacy between the two.
The Key to Fixing a Sexless Marriage
Of course, identifying the problem is only the first step to solving it. Once you have identified the root cause of why you no longer have sex, the next step is to fix it.
A counselor once advised that the root of a sexless marriage has more to do with intimacy and lack of. He recommends that you should spend some daily time being affectionate with each other without having sex. What this means is that you should touch each other and play with each other at least 15 minutes a day without having sex for a full week. When you talk, don't talk about the typical things your would normally talk about. Find things that will help each other rediscover their relationship. At that point, he advises, usually both the husband and wife are likely to be itching for it.
Another thing to do is to actually have a special night in which you two can relax. When you are married, you tend to bring other things with you that can take away from intimacy. After all, who wants to have sex if all you can think about is your kids or that project that you are days behind the deadline? A date night will go a long way to help you remember why your relationship was important and will likely spark some passionate feelings.
What is most important is that sex for both husband and wife isn't necessarily about the physical aspects of it and more about the emotional parts about it. Believe it or not, even men feel this way and sex has to mean something more than simply an orgasm. It has to be emotionally gratifying for both partners.
Conclusion
A sexless marriage isn't really about the lack of sex but has more to do with the intimacy or lack of intimacy between the couple. If you can figure out ways to be intimate with each other...non-sexual...then you will likely see an increase in interest in sex in general. Don't blame yourself because usually it isn't one person's burden to carry alone but both parties are at blame. And if you can, plan some quality time alone with each other and try to reconnect. If you do those things, you will fix a sexless marriage.
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Comments
"...plan some quality time alone..."
Have common interests - that's the key.
A very good article and one that many more people than you think, including me, have found very useful, true and very enlightening. I once wrote an article stating that real passion between a couple can only last, at best and at most, for three years but I got so many responses saying that they thought that six months was the maximum!!! It is obvious that after the first passions have been lived out that everything begins to dwindle somewhat as we can only maintain our high levels of endorphins for a limited amount of time. As you say - the children, work, worries all seem to get in the way and the mad passion seems to get down graded to second place instead of first! There is also the feeling that once you are comfortable with your partner that you begin to take everything forgranted. You know that they are also always there for you and so the urgency and excitement of it all seems to disappear.
And before I end off there is also one more point that I would like to make which relates to older couples which is that when women arrive at the age of their menopause that their hormones play havoc with all their desires making them lie very very dormant and it would help immensely if there was an equivalent female Viagra!!!
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