Are you looking for the wrong kind of self-confidence?
People say things like "I want to look more confident," "I want to be an alpha,", "I want to be the most..."
This is all wrong. Do you know why?
You don't want to look confident. You want to be confident!
You don't want to be the smartest girl of your group, because that mean that you feel attacked by someone that is smarter than you. Why do you feel attacked? Fix this!
Alpha males? If you agree with me, these people know very well how to hide the dirt under the carpet. It's all about looking good, strong, and perfect.
With this mentality, chances are that you'll be constantly competing or struggling to improve something in order to keep your social status.
Do you see what I mean? You have to dig to find the real cause of your insecurity and fix that.
I already told you about my experiment on non-violent communication in order to know the cause of some of my problems. This experiment also helped me to take people's criticism differently.
Be aware of the big trap
Accept that we, as social beings, secretly want to be perfect cogs for the system. Well, the world don't need more cogs... but they don't know, so at first, if you're weird, you are going to find resistance.
Don't hide your weirdness. Try to be weird instead, because normal people are so busy trying to be perfect pieces of the machine that they'll probably die without having done whatever they really wanted to do in life.
A way to stop caring about what others may think of you
For example, imagine someone saying this about you: "Hey, look at him, he is so [insert judgment]. I'd never do that."
This person has found an easy way of feeling superior, don't you think? You did something "weird" and he knows that it will be easy for others to think of you as weird as well.
When you understand that people's reactions are based on unsatisfied needs, you'll stop seeing other people's criticism as an attack. You'll start looking at the world with compassion.
Sometimes people genuinely care about you, and they criticize as way of saying "I really care about you, I'd hate to see you fail." Well, most of the time, there's nothing wrong with failing. It's called learning and evolving.
What is real confidence then?
Real confidence is acting weird because you consider this is the right way of doing things. Of course, you should listen to people's opinions first, and then make your decision without worrying or feeling guilty if someone doesn't agree with you.
Were you wrong? Say you're sorry, learn from the experience and keep doing what you feel you should do.
This is called becoming an attractive person.
"Success is something you attract by becoming an attractive person." —Jim Rohn
What's your story?
Think of your life story. If you fail to see yourself in a good light, change that.
Maybe you don't have confidence in your personal story because you see yourself as a loser. You see all the bad things that happened to you, all your mistakes. But really confident people tell their stories focusing on the positive things. They probably have experienced similar shit--or worse--in their lives but they talk about what they learned, how they survived.
You choose your focus. Your story is the way you present yourself to the world.
Practice self-compassion. Unlike self-esteem, the force of self-compassion comes from really caring about yourself no matter what circumstances.
Make that thing you don't like your superpower
I feel like most of the time people consider me weird because the things I say. Well, I hated that. Now, I just visualize myself saying weird things and feeling really well. I care less and less everyday.
It's part of me, so I'll better accept that.
Guess what? Again. When you lose your fear to act a certain way, then you become attractive.
Imagine attracting people to the real you. See yourself being loved by people for who you really are. No self-imposed fake self-confidence can beat that!
Image by borderlys