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How to Make Yourself Sick

By Edited Oct 27, 2013 1 1

How To Get Sick

Before you read this article, I need to point out that we do not recommend doing anything in this list. If you really need a reason to not go to work, skip class or trick your mom into not taking you to piano lessons you are probably better off taking acting lessons as being sick can be harmful to your health.

Now, with that disclaimer aside, there are quite a few ways you can get yourself sick. None of them are good for your health, but you probably already know that. This guide will show you how to get yourself sick.

1. Get really drunk

As most people know, getting drunk for most people results in a hangover; hangovers bring on many similar symptoms as the flu including vomiting, headaches, a temperature. This one is definitely only for those legal to drink though.

2. Anxiety

Anxiety is a pretty powerful tool when used for evil purposes. Prepare to feel pretty shaken up though. Focus on something that stresses you out, I mean REALLY stresses you out. Think about it non stop until you are so worked up you are unable to function in society. Be careful though, you may end up in a mental institute if you overdo it!

3. Stay up all night

This one is really good if you just want to show up to whatever you want to be sick for then get sent home. Stay up all night and intentionally cough as much as possible. If the person you want to impress with your sickness resides in your house, they will hear you coughing up your lungs all night and think you are sick. By the time the morning has rolled around, if you have managed to get zero sleep, your eyes should be puffy, half shut and will have dark rings under them. The coughing will have made your throat soar which will most likely give you a husky voice which is a greater indicator of 'I am sick stay the hell away from me'. Once you show up to wherever it is you don't want to be, try and have a conversation with somebody important and they will surely send you packing.

4. Self induced vomiting

Making yourself puke is one of the least dangerous 'fake sick' methods you can perform. You will need whoever is responsible for you either being or not being at work present in the same building as you. Next, guzzle a whole bunch of liquids, water or milk both work great. I would suggest drinking around 2 liters to pull this off successfully. Once the 'listener' is around, make it obvious you are having an emergency bathroom run. Once you get in the bathroom try to reach your finger down your throat as far as possible. Once you have your finger deep in your throat wiggle it around tickling all the different walls of your throat. Vomit should ensue. For added effect, puke all over the floor to make it look like you couldn't even contain it until you hit the toilet.

5. Food Poisoning

First of all, you pretty much have to have a mental problem to intentionally give yourself food poisoning, but if you are that crazy, simply drink a few liters of 6 week old milk or some moldy cheese. This one is extremely stupid as you could give yourself salmonella or e-Coli. Rest assured you will be completely non functional and will most likely be spewing out revolting excrements out of all orifices on your body.



Oct 24, 2011 6:12am
Nice, ingenious article. I think I've had one or two of those under my belt during my school and working days. haha!

Thanks for sharing!
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