Since your money comes effortlessly and investment returns bore you, here are some widely used investment strategies full of waste. Compounding growth can overwhelm you if you don’t take the necessary steps to combat it. These steps are certain to help you underperform the market average.

  • Don’t pay attention to your transaction costs. If the commission charge that you pay is more than 2% of the total trade value, then relax. Make numerous small trades. After all, it’s only $5.99 per trade, right? Better still; find a more expensive broker offline who graciously charges a fee when you tell him what to buy. Don’t look at the commission charge the same way you would look at a front end load on a mutual fund.
  • Don’t bother checking the annual expense on your potential mutual fund. How big a deal is 1 or 2% each year for 10 or 20 years anyway? When a mutual fund has a low expense ratio it probably means that the managers are inferior at selecting stocks and bonds.
  • Find a mutual fund that has many smaller finds inside of it. This is known as a “fund of funds”. That way you can be charged annual expenses at two levels. This has an added benefit; it is difficult to know what you have inside the funds.
  • Look for things called “Hedge Fund” or “Private Equity Managers”. Since you have below average intelligence, if you don’t understand what’s going on it probably means you should throw money at it.
  • Make sure that there is a “back end load” on all mutual funds in case you decide to get out of the investment. These are special fees you won’t want to miss out on. Investment companies deserve to make money when you get in and when you get out.
  • Look for brokerage accounts with annual maintenance fees. It’s true, this does not add up to much but it’s nice to be nickel and dimed. Let them treat you like an A.T.M. machine. It is their right to withdraw your money whenever they want.
  • Find some annuities offering guarantees you’re not interested din. Even if you don’t try very hard, you should be able to find some with annual charges over 3%. Make sure it has a surrender charge for at least the first 10 years.
  • Chase last year’s hot investments. Whatever type of investment outperformed all the others last you should get all of your money this year. Similarly, dump this year’s 3 start funds for last year’s 5 start funds.
  • Do a full overhaul of your portfolio each time you feel frustrated.
  • Watch MSNBC and all the other business shows. Pay special attention to every piece of investment news. Base your decisions on their stories. Everybody knows they are excellent investors.
  • Belittle the fact they are TV shows whose fundamental objective is to entertain.
  • Avoid cheap direct stock purchase plans on through great companies.
  • Never hold your positions for longer than one year. Maximize the amount of money you pay the government in taxes. Paying 35% tax on short term gains is preferable to paying 15% tax on long term gains.
  • Forget about using tax deferred accounts such as a 401(k), 403(b) or IRAs. Don’t even speak about a Roth IRA.
  • Use fancy life insurance policies as investment vehicles. Using life insurance simply for its original purpose, protecting loved ones, is passé.
  • Pay no attention to the turnover rate of your managed accounts and mutual funds. Let them make frequent taxable trades in your taxable accounts.

These steps are designed to help you, the submissive investor, underperform the market. With a little luck, you can work until you’re 75 and still be fully dependent on welfare.