To keep up appearances, we must endeavour to smoke longer, faster and larger cigars.
This how-to-guide will help, but not guarantee, the return of your masculinity.
1) Have a complete disregard for health.
Since when did Men become such health fanatics? What's with eating blueberries at work and taking the stairs instead of the lift? If we were back in the Roman ages, you would have been whipped, dipped in oil and thrown into a pit of wine and women as a punishment.
So if you're smoking filtered cigarettes, throw it in the bin or cut off the filter. Filters are for women who wear lipstick, not for men who are afraid of a little bit of real manly ash.
2) Aim for yellow teeth.
Studies show that people with Yellow teeth are more likely to get a successful job. Ever noticed how rich Texans constantly chew tobacco? Ever notice how only rich people get expensive teeth whitening surgeries? That's right, because they have the money and you don't.
So get that cigarette out and start puffing away. In fact, if you truly care about your financial future, smoke 3 cigarettes per go for extra effect. When people see you do this, they'll be bound to say 'Wow, he's a manly smoker'.
3) Use anything but an ashtray.
The ashtray is a symbol of a woman's control. Is she making you put out your cigarette when you have guests? Do you have to stand out in the shivering cold with a little dinky tray for your ash?
Show that woman a lesson and throw the tray out the window. Better yet, clop her over the head with it. Then flick your ash wherever you please. Don't worry about setting your furniture on fire, if they can endure regularly bodily gas ejections, they'll survive a bit of ash.
4) The bigger the cigarette, the better.
Slim cigarettes are for those with weak finger muscles or who are effeminate. Slim cigarettes are only ever acceptable if tobacco or real manly cigarettes are not available. If possible, glue them together to form a bigger cigarette.
If you can get your hands on a cigar, make sure you smoke it in public. For extra effect, tell your friends you just sealed a million dollar deal and puff away on the cigar. This is bound to make them kneel down and bow to you like mindless drones. That's what cigars are for.
5) James Bond Smokes, so should you.
Here's a short transcript of a scene from 'Die Another Day'.
Bond: [Smoking] I'm an Ornithologist.
Jinx: [Glances down at pants] That's quite a mouthful.
Bond: [Smokes and exhales puff of triumphant smoke]
Jinx is a hot woman, and if she approves, then so should the rest of the male population.
Just in case you are unfortunate enough to have missed out on James Bond's best Movie , here is a screen shot too:
6) Be a hypocrite
There's nothing more satisfactory than telling a woman how disgusting it is to watch her smoke whilst puffing away on one yourself. For extra effect, take the cigarette away from her mouth and throw it at the nearest flammable object.
Congratulations, you are now one step closer to becoming a real man. The next step is to Make a Dalek and then burn it in front of a Star Trek fan whilst filming his reaction.
Long Live Cuban Cigars!
[Note that all studies within this Article were conducted by a teenager in psychology class located in Kansas. Also note that this advice is not to be taken seriously and you should in fact endeavour to do the opposite of all the above steps. I cannot be held responsible for any consequences caused by this article, but I will accept a generous donation if you happen to become a rich tobacco-chewing, cigar-smoking Texan.]