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How to Survive the Real Apocalypse

By Edited Nov 13, 2013 1 0

So I guess the Mayan’s were wrong, and the end of the world didn’t happen, again. Maybe they got tired of working on their calendar, and they decided it would be a nice prank to stop after December 21, 2012, so that we would all think the world was about to explode. I don’t know about you, but when I went to bed at 12 am on December 21st 2012, I felt perfectly safe. The world didn’t rumble, the sun didn’t burn out, the Earth didn’t burst into flames, and zombies didn’t suddenly go on a killing rampage. So what’s the deal?


The Mayan’s were against the idea of zombies, they didn’t believe in the same kind of afterlife that we believe in today. Their joke of ‘An End of the World’, was to fool us into thinking we have a lot more time alive. But in reality, we are all here until the zombie apocalypse finally happens, and there is no way of knowing the exact day when that may be.


We must plan accordingly, for the attack of the zombies. First things first, here’s a list of things NOT to do before a zombie apocalypse.


  1. 1.     Do NOT become friends with a zombie.


Zombie’s do not make honest friends, they might steal 20$ out of your purse when your shopping with them at the mall. They might throw away your pack of cigarettes when you step away to take a leak at their house. A zombie isn’t a good friend to have at a family Christmas party, because they might eat your parents’ brains, and leave your brother alone because he has an AR-15 in his closet.


  1. 2.     Do NOT fall in love with a zombie.


This isn’t some novel you attempted to write when you were twelve. This is real life. You can’t expect to live if you fall in love with a zombie. Only Bella can fall in love with a dangerous monster, and that only worked because vampires are pussies with large teeth. Zombies don’t sparkle and they don’t care about your feelings. If you fall in love with a zombie, you will get more than your heart broken.


  1. 3.     Do NOT post a Facebook status about the zombie apocalypse


If you post a status, a zombie may read it and search your hometown on Google. They will learn where you live, where your friends live, where your family lives and where your boyfriend/girlfriend lives. You will no longer be safe. They will laugh at you as they much on pieces of your stomach rolls and flabby cheeks, because they won and you did not.


To survive this apocalypse, we must act fast! Here is a list of ways to prepare you and your family for battle.


  1. 1.     Stock up on weapons/ Teach everyone how to protect themselves


Make sure even your baby sister owns a Glock17. Another important thing to take note of, make sure everyone knows how to successfully use a gun. Zombies know how to use certain weapons, so you must train until you are more quick-witted than even the most intelligent zombie.


  1. 2.     Buy a gift card for a fast food restaurant


Why? Because Zombie’s love McDonald’s just as much as you, and the only way to feed a zombie other than with your own flesh, is with a Big Mac and a large order of fries. One more important thing, make sure the workers at McDonald’s haven’t already been eaten by zombies.


  1. 3.     Buy lots of beer.


Of course zombie’s love beer! Who doesn’t? And a drunken zombie is a stupid zombie. Therefore, if you fill your zombies up with booze, you have a greater chance of surviving the attack.



Zombie attack(124553)
Credit: http://www.google.com/imgres?q=zombie+apocalypse&um=1&hl=en&client=safari&sa=N&tbo=d&rls=en&biw=1024&bih=549&tbm=isch&tbnid=KwrFBIoguhnfNM:&imgrefurl=http://www.instash.com/10-gadgets-for-surviving-the-zombie-apocalypse&docid=PbMrmWthUxMvWM&imgurl=http://


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