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How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

By Edited Mar 12, 2016 0 0

Imagine: It's the end of the World

Your windows are boarded, your pantry is filled with canned goods and you've built a rainwater gathering system on the roof of your house in case the plumbing gets shut off. You've got your shotgun loaded and ready, sitting in your lap as you watch over your home. You've been preparing for this moment all your life, or at least ever since you saw your first zombie flick way back when. 

Alright, maybe it's not the end of the world. In fact, maybe zombies will never actually rise from the depths of their graves to feast on the brains of humans, but that doesn't mean you still shouldn't be prepared, right?

Lesson One: Stick Together but Trust Nobody

We've all seen it - the one idiot of the group of survivors who decides he can take on the world and goes out by himself on what is obviously a suicide mission. It's important to note that this has been featured in pretty much every zombie film out there, and it's never worked out the way the would-be hero thinks it will. It's important to always stick together, but that doesn't mean you should place your trust in someone else's hands! When it comes down to brass tacks, your team mates might not hesitate to throw you under the bus, or in this case, throw you to the zombies if it means they'll live. 

Lesson Two: Location, Location, Location

Sometimes living out in the middle of nowhere can have its benefits. Being located smack dab in the middle of a large city adds to the threat of you becoming a zombie snack at least ten times over. If you can, it's smart to invest in a small house out in the country or on high grounds that you can upgrade over time and stock it with supplies to become the ultimate zombie defense fortress. 

Now if you're one of the lucky ones who has so much money that you don't know what to do with it, you can't go wrong with building a custom state-of-the-art zombie fortress. Be sure to install fifteen foot tall and three foot thick titanium walls, moats of acid, and flamethrowers mounted on the outside of your walls along with a few sniper rifles atop of those walls of yours so that you can sit up there and pick off zombies for fun. If that doesn't keep you safe, nothing will.

Lesson Three: Learn to Garden and Raise Livestock

If and when Z day comes around, there's a slim chance that you'll ever have another steak from Outback or a double cheese burger from McDonalds ever agin. It's a wise idea to learn the gardening skill early, because you're gonna need it when you run out of that supply of canned goods you have stocked up in your pantry. Not only would learning to grow your own fruits and vegetables be a good idea, but also raising livestock such as chickens and pigs. It might sound tedious, but you'll regret it when KFC is closed forever. 

Lesson Four: Get in Shape, and Get lots of Weapons

I know that box of donuts looks mighty delicious right about now, but it's going to be a pain when they've found permanent residency on your gut and you're trying to outrun a malicious hoarde of the undead. Learn to eat right and get in shape now, and it'll pay off in the long run. On top of this, visit your local gun range and get acquainted with the various types of firearms. When you've got a good handle of them and your gun license, stock up... no, seriously. Stock up.

Other Tips and Info

The lessons listed above barely scratch the surface when it comes to surviving the zombie apocalypse, but it's vital information and it's a start. If you're serious about keeping alive when Z day comes, it'd be wise to brush up on your zombie knowledge. Watch zombie flicks, always keep an eye on the news, watch out for new medical advances and outbreaks, and pick up a copy of The Zombie Survival Guide. It might be listed under humour, but it's not going to be very funny when your undead neighbor's kneeling over your body as he stuffs his mouth full of your brain from your cracked-open skull.

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