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How to Talk Like a Man

By Edited May 28, 2016 1 3

Studies show that men take more verbal abuse from women than any other demographic. In fact, 2010 men should be stripped of their masculine powers if they do not act quickly. By 2011, we will all be doomed if men do not start acting like men.

Women may also choose to read this article but must, for future reference, let the men do the talking.

If you have been keeping up to date with news, you may have discovered how incredibly unmanly today's modern men are. Take for instance, 99% of all male actors who keep their faces clean-shaven and talk in distinctive accents.

Do not be fooled.

This is not how men should behave, and in fact, male actors make for terrible role models in the ways of masculinity. There is only one man in the acting world who you can trust, and that is Pierce Brosnan.
pierce brosnan

This is how God intended Man to be.
Let's get straight to it then, girls.

1) Talk with a raised eyebrow

The raised eyebrow is the ultimate facial expression. Never before has one look captured so many different emotions. Most of the time the raised eyebrow expresses "I mean business", or otherwise, "I'm liking this." Sometimes both at once.
In other cases, the raised eyebrow is perfect for saying;

"You are clearly not an intelligent life form, but I am going to rescue you anyway in order to gain the attention of an attractive lady and because I'm being paid."

Spock

Spock is going to eat this cat and solve a light wave algorithm.

2) Do not respond to Females

Conversing with females means that they've already got control of you, which means you should either a) seek counselling or b) ring the fire alarm. If a female approaches you asking a question or starting up a conversation, do not talk directly to her. If you have a friend handy, tell your friend 'Look, it's Alice.' This way you have acknowledged her existence without compromising your masculinity. If she continues to prompt conversation, give her a cat. Most females will forget all sense of conversation-skills and be reduced to a mindless babble of 'awww, so cute!'
ignore

In case of emergency, assume this position

If a woman compliments you, you are allowed to give a nod, a raised eyebrow and a look of approval. If you have a cigarette handy, blow a bit of smoke out to make sure she knows you approve of the compliment.

3) Use words like Conglomerate

Most males have the capacity to use up to three syllables within a word, but usually break down when it comes to anything more. Using words bigger than your opposing male companions make you the dominant of the pack. If you discover someone using more syllables than you do, punch them in the face. Make sure you do this somewhere hidden, unless of course you are proving a point to multiple males using large words.

4) Lower the sound of your voice

Do you know why the Vikings were so successful?
Studies show that men with deeper voice are able to instil fear into others. Historically, men have had to use their voice for battle roars and screaming, thus lowering their voice and giving it a nice raspy flavour. Unfortunately today, men do not scream or roar.
To make up for this huge evolutionary blunder, you need to start screaming your lungs dry. Use your wife as a decibel-meter. In fact, use her as target practise. Even if she is not doing anything wrong, it doesn't hurt to roar at her to establish your dominance. You may ever discover to your surprise that your wife will find your roar attractive.

screaming

Screaming gets what you want, no matter what age you are.

5) Leave the room saying "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast"

Not only will people completely-not-understand you, they will also nod dumbly in agreement and laugh as if they have understood. In case you do not know where this line is from, it comes from a show called Red Dwarf, a series which every male should familiarize themselves with.

ace rimmer

Ace Rimmer demonstrates on how to be a Man

[Note that all studies within this Article were conducted by a teenager in psychology class located in Kansas. Also note that this advice is not to be taken seriously and you should in fact endeavour to do the opposite of all the above steps. I cannot be held responsible for any consequences caused by this article, unless I receive a crocodile in return.]
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Comments

May 16, 2010 12:12pm
mikra
LOL....
May 16, 2010 1:35pm
Jack_Luca
That was funny!
May 18, 2010 11:19am
samsons1
of course, of course...
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