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How to Tell if Your Spouse is a Zombie

By Edited Nov 27, 2016 6 20

Crawling Zombie

How to tell if your spouse is a zombie is no simple task. They are underhanded and very good at  making you think all is quite normal. In reality, you could easily become a late night snack, just because you've let your guard down.

Zombies have the uncanny ability to deceive even the most observant mortal. Sure, once they're all bloody and scarred up, or a limb or two's fallen off somewhere, it becomes a lot easier to pick them out of the crowd. What do you do until then? How can you be 100% sure you're safe from attack? 

A zombie bite is no less contagious from one without symptoms yet. This means that the closest people to us are the most dangerous. The spouse in particular possesses the unique ability to access our uninfected bodies while we sleep. Many an unsuspecting spouse has been pleasantly dreaming along and bam! Zombie bite on the neck. Believe me, it can happen that fast.

In order to avoid this possibly eternal complication, each mortal human being with a question about the person who sleeps with their head so close to ours has an unwritten duty to themselves to read the rest of this "how to not fall victim guide."

Warning Please Do Not Feed the Zombies Art Poster Print Poster Print, 36x24
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Sleeping With the Undead?

Zombie early warning signs and symptoms

Let's take a look at some of the earliest known symptoms of a Zombie spouse;

  • The first time you notice the grocery shopping trip is all of a sudden spending more time and money in the meat aisle.
  • All of the main courses are starting to show up at the table a little bit on the raw side.
  • Your spouse asks, "Hey are you gonna eat that meat?" (a lot)
  • The children start disappearing, one at a time. (Usually they'll start with the smaller ones and work their way to any teenagers you may have.
  • Your spouse comes home with more then lipstick on their collar and blames it on some ketchup from lunch.
  • Your pets start to first growl and then run like hell, when your spouse enters the room.
  • All the mouse traps in your home are sprung, but mysteriously empty.

Zombie Bart
All of the above can be taken as more then enough reason to start drinking coffee later into the night. Most zombies sleep during the daytime so go to work third shift and stay out of the house during this dangerous time of the day.

If you are strategic about when you close your eyes, it may just be possible, to stay alive long enough to deduce whether or not your sharing a bed with the undead.

Make sure you pass this advice to anyone you know who co-habitates with another, so called mortal, you could be saving their life. Pass it on like your friends lives depended on it. After all, this article and you sharing it, could be the only thing that keeps you from getting ate by your mate.

The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead
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May 13, 2011 1:55am
Hey Dreamaker. If I recall correctly, when they are "going through the change" they start becoming increasingly warmer until they are un-naturally hot. So if you're curled up in front of the TV watching House and suddenly notice that you're drenched with sweat and all the chicken wings are gone, start asking questions. Though, first check mouth for chicken wings - you don't want to start an unnecessary argument...
May 13, 2011 2:00am
All good stuff, every possible precaution should be taken. Thanks for the additional tips and the visit.
May 13, 2011 9:11am
Very entertaining!!!
May 13, 2011 9:12am
Thanks lynsuz glad you enjoyed it. probably won't make a lot of money, but fun to write. Thanks for stopping by.
May 13, 2011 11:19am
LOL - thanks for the entertaining read!
May 13, 2011 6:43pm
Thanks Venetia, anything to put a smile on peoples faces. i know this kind of article may not make a killing,(no pun intended) but it was fun to write. (`;
May 13, 2011 2:50pm
I had a good time reading this! This is just what I needed to perk me up...thanks.
May 13, 2011 6:41pm
Wish they could all be this much fun to write!! Thanks for stopping by.
May 24, 2011 7:28pm
Ah, I am finally enlightened of the possible threatening menace lurking about. Phew! Thanks :)
May 24, 2011 9:03pm
For sure footloose

Try to sleep with one eye open. (`;
Thanks for coming by.
May 29, 2011 1:50pm
You have a natural comic bent!
May 29, 2011 4:30pm
Thanks Diva I like funny.
Aug 15, 2011 8:15am
Great article! Nice to come across a light-hearted article.
Mar 2, 2012 8:02pm
Really glad you enjoyed it JudyE
Dec 13, 2011 4:35am
Great, funny and entertaining article. We all need to have more humor in our lives instead of watching TV murder, blood and guts and reality TV - boring. We need more comedians and less blood thirsty movies Thanks for that
Mar 2, 2012 8:03pm
Glad you enjoyed it Eileen. I'm going to write some more like it soon.
Jan 31, 2012 2:46pm
Cardio, Cardio, Cardio! :o)
Mar 2, 2012 8:04pm
Good advice thanks for the visit.
Jan 31, 2012 3:48pm
Awesome read, and very informative. One needs to know these things! Handy to know if there is a resident evil living with you!
Mar 2, 2012 8:05pm
Don't forget, sometimes they're just over for a one night bite!
Thanks for the visit.
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