Crawling ZombieCredit:

How to tell if your spouse is a zombie is no simple task. They are underhanded and very good at  making you think all is quite normal. In reality, you could easily become a late night snack, just because you've let your guard down.

Zombies have the uncanny ability to deceive even the most observant mortal. Sure, once they're all bloody and scarred up, or a limb or two's fallen off somewhere, it becomes a lot easier to pick them out of the crowd. What do you do until then? How can you be 100% sure you're safe from attack? 

A zombie bite is no less contagious from one without symptoms yet. This means that the closest people to us are the most dangerous. The spouse in particular possesses the unique ability to access our uninfected bodies while we sleep. Many an unsuspecting spouse has been pleasantly dreaming along and bam! Zombie bite on the neck. Believe me, it can happen that fast.

In order to avoid this possibly eternal complication, each mortal human being with a question about the person who sleeps with their head so close to ours has an unwritten duty to themselves to read the rest of this "how to not fall victim guide."

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Sleeping With the Undead?

Zombie early warning signs and symptoms

Let's take a look at some of the earliest known symptoms of a Zombie spouse;

  • The first time you notice the grocery shopping trip is all of a sudden spending more time and money in the meat aisle.
  • All of the main courses are starting to show up at the table a little bit on the raw side.
  • Your spouse asks, "Hey are you gonna eat that meat?" (a lot)
  • The children start disappearing, one at a time. (Usually they'll start with the smaller ones and work their way to any teenagers you may have.
  • Your spouse comes home with more then lipstick on their collar and blames it on some ketchup from lunch.
  • Your pets start to first growl and then run like hell, when your spouse enters the room.
  • All the mouse traps in your home are sprung, but mysteriously empty.

Zombie BartCredit: Users of TBTAll of the above can be taken as more then enough reason to start drinking coffee later into the night. Most zombies sleep during the daytime so go to work third shift and stay out of the house during this dangerous time of the day.

If you are strategic about when you close your eyes, it may just be possible, to stay alive long enough to deduce whether or not your sharing a bed with the undead.

Make sure you pass this advice to anyone you know who co-habitates with another, so called mortal, you could be saving their life. Pass it on like your friends lives depended on it. After all, this article and you sharing it, could be the only thing that keeps you from getting ate by your mate.

The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead
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