If you're reading this article right now, you're probably one of those desperate middle aged house wives who secretly read the Twilight series but can't let anyone know because that would just upset the balance of everything. Perhaps you're a necrophiliac searching for that special corpse. One that's a bit more animated than most. Or maybe you heard that vampires are especially tasty when sprinkled over hot pizza rolls. I know I have. Well, today I'm going to show you some real tried and true methods that are sure to send that undead stalker… uhh I meant hot, vampire boyfriend straight to your awaiting arms.

First things first. Let's not forget that vampires are really hungry for your tasty-tasty blood. We both know that you're fully aware of the consequences if you decide to take what you've learned here into action. I can not be held responsible for whatever happens. You'll need to carefully arm yourself for attack incase something goes wrong. You'll need a dark and mysterious robe so you can look all cool and stuff, a couple of wooden stakes, and a door with frame so if the vampire decides to cause trouble, you can just set that bad boy up and not invite him in.

Now, we need to find where these guys hang out. This one's pretty easy. Look in dark, cold places where it rains a lot and they don't enforce speed limits. Once you've gotten to the correct location, the fun begins. It's time to find a way to catch your vampire man. Here are a few ways to accomplish this:

· Roll around in a vat of melted butter. You may not want to use this plan if you have high cholesterol or suffer from a heart condition. Now, you want to roll from head to toe in garlic powder. Vampires will love this! You might want to eat some of the garlic for added effect.

· Buy a dog whistle. Chances are one of the dogs who shows up will be a vampire dog and we all know that vampire dogs are owned by people vampires so chances are you'll get one this way or just have a yourself a new guard dog to keep the neighbor's kids off your property.

· If the above two options aren't working for you, it may be an change in personality that's needed. No Vamp wants some chick that's all bubbly and cheery. That's just creepy. You need to be all tortured and tormented soul like. Dye your hair brown and take up hobbies that you know will get you killed but you don't care because adrenalin is your thing!

· Steal his left sock. Vampires hate anyone messing with their socks. He's sure to come looking for you then.

· Spend the night in an old cemetery. Chances are one of those drunken Goths is really a vampire.

· If its dark outside, build a giant dome canvas around the vampire and paint it too look all bright and sunny. He'll be fooled into think the sun has risen already and run straight into your home for safety but don't forget you'll need to invite him first.

· Steal his coffin and hide it in your basement.

· Use Google

So you know what you have to do, but are you sure what you've found is really a vampire? Does he sparkle? Nope! Vampires do not glitter...ever…unless for some reason they like pasting the stuff to themselves which I kind of doubt. Sorry kids. Does he burst into ashes when you light him up? Congratulations! That was a vampire.

Well, now you have the basics. Practice makes perfect. This relationship won't be an easy one. You'll need to throw your shoes at him every once in a while to keep him in line and check him for ticks as vampires often love to hide out in the woods and scare hunters. Good luck.