Why write about farting?
To say that I'm bored beyond measure is a complete understatement, but I also figure that writing an article like this will be entertaining to some, and disgusting to others. I am hoping to see some comments on this article, so please, if you have the intestinal fortitude, give me a comment!
While doing some keyword research, I had an unspeakable urge. That urge brought on a wave of extremely silly article ideas on the fart.
The idea of publishing a professional article on breaking wind itself seemed risky to me, especially since this will be my first article published on infobarrel.com. I however wanted to start things out by breaking the mould and sometimes, life is no fun if you don't take a little risk.
Is it acceptable to fart in public?
According to http://www.heptune.com/farts.html, the average "normal" person farts up to fourteen times a day and produces about half a litre of flatulence per day.
Most of us have had to fart while among friends, family, and even during important events. Some of us have been lucky in that we where able to hold it in, while others may have had to let one go. While the goal in this particular article is to give people some options when faced with having to let one go when in a public place, there is really no question as to whether or not it is even acceptable to fart in public.
Unfortunately farting in public is one of those things that happens whether you want them to happen or not. It's not any different from sneezing in public. Though people may not want you to do so, there is no way anyone can stop you from doing it.
So if, no one can stop you, and farting is a natural part of life, why would it even be considered unacceptable?
The answer to this is that most people don't like the smell, and because of this, naturally have a disdain for the fart.
In my humble opinion, it is perfectly ok to fart in public if you need to fart. It is no different from sneezing, blinking, or breathing. It is something you have to do!
Assessing your surroundings
Most of us feel the urge to fart before we actually do. While this time could be used to gently excuse yourself and find a bathroom, far to often there just is not enough time to do so. One must quickly assess their surroundings instead of worrying about how much time they have before said flatulence occurs. Below are some necessary steps in assessing your reaction.
The first action is to quickly assess your surroundings.
- Are you in an open, or breezy area?
- Are there a lot of people around?
- Is it noisy?
If you are in an open or breezy area, you should be able to break wind and not have anyone notice. This is especially handy if you are moving as you may leave the offending odor behind.
If a lot of people are around, you should able to sneak one out without anyone knowing who did it. Make sure to keep your best poker face.
If you are in a noisy environment you should be able to break wind freely without anyone discovering who did it, even if it was a particularly noisy bowel buster.
Capacity at half
Assessing your audience
When you feel the pressure of your fart hitting about the halfway point before release, you need to start looking around at who is going to be your audience. Depending on who your audience is, you will need to claim or lay blame.
If you are going to claim your flatulence, do so with vigor and style! Remember, the more creative and funny you are, the more it takes people's attention away from the fact that you've just done the devilish deed in their presence.
Some hilarious lines to use are:
- Bad dog! (while shaking a finger at an invisible dog)
- That is very dangerous!
- More tea vicar?
- It was you! (Point at an invisible person)
- Who stepped on a duck?
- scream, "El' tater tot bandito!"
If you are going to try to lay blame, make sure that there is at least one of the following to lay blame on:
- An inanimate object that can make said noise
- An animal
- A small child
- An innocent bystander that is passing by
When it comes to blaming someone else, make sure to be as sincere as possible and hope that your fart doesn't smell too bad. Feigning complete ignorance of a fart happening will also sometimes work.
Quick reasoning is your ally
Every fart is different. If you have to let one go, make sure to relax. If you try to hold it in too much or squeeze too hard, the chances of a silent fart will be improbable. It is infinitely easier to feign innocence if no one heard you do it.
If you are extremely conscientious about cutting the cheese, I suggest practicing relaxation techniques while breaking wind in your own privacy. With practice, one can make just about any fart a silent one. Keep in mind however that the silent type of farts usually smell the worse, and remember to spray some febreeze after practicing.
Remember that quick thinking and assessing your settings will help you avoid an extremely embarrassing moment!