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How to Tell a Potential Partner You're Transgender

By Edited Jul 6, 2015 2 3
Dating on Skilift
Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/pagedooley/4444205701/

     One of the hardest things about being transgender is telling someone that you're transgender. Especially if that person is someone you are dating and have romantic feelings for. You get butterflies,you get nervous. Just thinking about it is difficult. You're desperate for male/female attention. You don’t want tell the guy/girl till the last minute because you want to pass 100% of the time, but is passing worth your life? Personally I vote for honesty, at the earliest possible moment. Thus avoiding wasting your precious time on someone who will not understand or may react violently. For the purposes of this article we are going to assume that you have decided to tell your potential lover that you are transgender, so here are some tips to keep in mind.

  1. Find out what his or her attitudes are towards LGBT people. Look for signs of homophobia and trans-phobia. Ask questions or bring up LGBT topics in the news. If your date is in any way trans-phobic or homophobic then its likely that they are not going to react well to you being transgender. It is most likely that there will be a bad reaction and they may act as if you tried to “fool” them. This can be very dangerous territory, so if you meet someone who seems to be trans-phobic or homophobic the best advise I can give is to move on and not have such people in your life as it is most likely going to be a dangerous or hurtful experience.

  2. Have a good understanding of what a trans person is. Be able to explain it to a person who has no experience in this area. It is likely that, as most people, the person your interested in has little or no experience when it comes to transgender people. They will have a lot of questions for you regarding your gender identity and what you do or do not have for genitalia. Be ready, your gender dysphoria can rear its ugly head at this point so it is better to have prepared what to say ahead of time. You could even practice in the mirror, something quite common to do when it comes to public speaking.

  3. Be ready to reveal the truth about your genitalia. This is the point of no return. Depending on whether your pre-op, post-op, or both(having top surgery but not bottom surgery for example). You have to be ready to not only speak about your most private areas but explain the how and why they are that way. When you explain this to a person is when you both find out if they are OK with your particular situation or not.

  4. Prepare for rejection. Sadly, people who both have the capacity to understand what a transgender person is and are completely OK with it are going to be few and far between. So be prepared for a negative reaction. Unfortunately trans-phobia and homophobia run rampant and, with the help of the media, we have become object of ridicule and sexuality. This not only serves to misinform the public but also objectify and discredit trans people. It has a huge affect on people, and likely the person that you are talking too.

  5. Do it in a public place. Do not reveal your secret in a place where you have no control or where you are all alone with this person, just in case. They may become violent and you want to be in a public place where it is much safer and they are less likely to react loudly or violently(whether verbal or physical). Also have your own way home. Do not tell this person while in their car in the middle of nowhere. At best they accept and love you, at worst you could be beaten, murdered or at the very least have a very long walk ahead of you.

      So remember people! Find out what his or her attitudes are toward LGBT people. Have a good understanding of what you're going to say and how to explain yourself. Be ready to reveal the truth and prepare for rejection. But the most important part that you should make sure you do is Do it in a public place! I cannot stress this point enough, you will be on a level playing field and have a means of escape. Getting validation is not worth your life. There will be many potential partners and you will find someone right for you. So take your time and be safe!

The Transgender Handbook
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Comments

Feb 5, 2013 11:27pm
Vallin
This was a major theme at Southern Comfort (www.sccatl.org) this year (2012). One presenter told us she didn't want to see any of us being "remembered" at TDOR in November.
Feb 6, 2013 5:26pm
m_spicer
Sounds awesome!
Apr 30, 2013 7:43am
homebaseincome
Preparing oneself in case of rejection and practicing what to say is something I would think would need to be considered. Telling a person who obviously likes you must be a very hard thing to do because there is a huge chance of your relationship might end on the spot or the person may be just as honest in return and say they just want to be friends but the transgender is not for them. That does not make someone a bad person if they are uncomfortable with it.

I'm not prejudice at all when it comes to freedom of sexuality and have friends who are lesbians but I would not date a lesbian because I'm not gay. If I had feelings toward a transgender potential spouse, I'm not sure if I could accept that but I'm not sure because love feelings and caring for someone would be involved. If I already fell in love with a transgender I would hope that I would have nothing to get over. I would simply be in love and in a happy relationship.
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