No seriously. It's just plain horrible. I was in a Super Walmart today browsing down an isle of birthday cards that must have been as long as a football feild. I couldn't have spent less than half an hour pacing back and forth. That's too long for an errand that should be simple.

The text inside the card always implies that the sender of the card is super close to the reciever. There are lots of pretty words like lover, love, cherish, precious, true friend, best buddy, and other equally gag reflex inducing cheesey cliches.

The whole purpose of a birthday card is to let the recipient know that you remembered their birthday and make them feel special. Once you know someone better you can skip the card, buy them a nice gift or take them out for a meal. If the birthday is for somone of the opposite sex, taking them out to dinner or buying a nice gift can send mixed messages.

I know what you're thinking, but I don't have any shady alterior motives. Unless wanting this girl I really like know I was thinking about her and got her a card is a shady alterior motive. We've hung out outside of work once. Baby steps, that's how you have to do it in the beginning. I'm not even entirely sure we'd be a good match, we just have great conversations and of course it doesn't hurt she's a looker. I mean she's super easy on the eyes.

Still I don't need her to read the card and have it scream "desparate", "creeper" or worse "date rape". Doesn't anyone make classy looking blank cards or cards that tell someone how much you look forward to getting to know them better. Cards for men who want to get to know ladies and not scare them off, now that's a clearly defined niche. You listening Halmark?

I did enventually find a card that should not misrepresent me. It was down between the one I got and another card. I found that the childrens cards were less likely to send a strong message but I wasn't sure how it would look to get a card "my little pony" on the front either.

(As I wrote this rant I read it alound in a brooklyn accent (which I don't have naturally) and for some reason used colorful writting like it was a monologue, feel free to perform it as such. Hello my name is (insert your name) and I will be playing Jonathon from Angry Blogger Guy)