Is monogamy realistic?

Though we have a society that now values monogamy it is important to understand that staying with one person after the “I do’s” is not necessarily who we are by nature. There have been different books that have researched the reasons why marriages are ending in divorce so much. Today it seems as if people feel trapped in marriages that lack passion or creativity and while some industries have made millions of dollars selling medication and supplements to light up the fire again, could there be a problem with the idea of monogamy? Some have shown evidence that monogamy is not really who we are.


Though today in most countries monogamy is what people accept as a standard for the family that has not always been the case. In prehistoric times our ancestors were less possessive in their sexual relationships which meant they were free to go about without the monogamous coupling that exists today. The evolution of our species has not really made us a monogamous species and marriage the way that we see it today is simply unrealistic. The thing that changed the entire picture seems to be agriculture. That is because it changed everything from sexuality and coupling to politics, diet and exercise etc. people started to see to specific work and rest schedules as well as the value of heirs.

Property was not important before agriculture, because before that everything including sexuality was a shared thing by the group or community. When agriculture is introduced to the picture it became more important to know who the true heirs were, so that property could be left to one’s own children. For 95% of our history monogamy did not exist and in some tribes not exposed to it, monogamy is still not the standard.

Monogamy Compared To Other Animals

There is no doubt that humans can develop a stronger bond with one person than with many others and some animals can do that as well. A lot of nesting birds have shown to develop a bond for example, but that does not mean that they are monogamous. The great majority of animals are in the same boat with us and to find the monogamous species like a fat-tailed dwarf lemur or the giant jumping rat you have to look really hard for them. A lot of the species in the animal kingdom are not really monogamous because of a need to reproduce and that includes human beings.  

What About Society?

The idea of monogamy is in our heads because that is the information we received, but not necessarily from a moral aspect, but from an economic aspect. Just like the prehistoric man needed to leave property to their own heirs today we do the same thing today. There is also the entertainment industry which makes a lot of money in promoting love stories that end up with a wedding. What they do not tell you is the sex lives of the people in the story 30 years after the wedding. The unfortunate truth is that most people do get bored after a while in a monogamous relationship and that is why they look around for variety.

Are We Bad At Being Monogamous

The argument against monogamy is that a person who cheats once or twice on a partner is not as bad as people think. Consider every person that you meet that you find attractive and then think that a partner has only cheated once or twice even though they have met just as many people they are sexually attracted to. The number is possibly in the hundreds and maybe even in the thousands, so acting up on that sexual attraction once or twice does not really make them bad at being monogamous.

Think of monogamy as being on a diet, you are after all on a sexual diet where you are only supposed to be with one partner. While on a food diet you are only supposed to eat certain food, but like it or not once in a while you may crave the things that you are not supposed to eat and then if you have good will power you will resist that urge most of the time. Once in a blue moon however most people will give in to the urge and go back to the diet after satisfying the craving.

Should We Not be Monogamous Then?

The idea of this article is not to say that no one should be monogamous, as that is what most people expect when entering into a relationship. The aim is to lower the standards a bit. If you expect your partner to only be sexually attracted to you and only you for the rest of your life, then you are very likely to become disappointed.

What you do need to understand is that while most people will try hard to be monogamous, that does not mean that they are “wired to be with only one person our entire lives. He/she will look around and more than likely feel aroused by another person the same way that you are. If your partner acts upon that urge it does not mean that they do not have a strong bond with you or that they do not feel love for you; it means that they are acting the way nature has predetermined them to act.

Can You Demand Monogamy

If you still want a monogamous relationship then you can demand it from your partner, and in a perfect world they would look at themselves and see if they are able to actually be in a monogamous relationship or not. Unfortunately because of the pressures of society no one goes into a relationship thinking that they will cheat on a partner. 

Love has nothing to do with monogamy, but desire on the other hand does. A person can love you deeply and have a bond that is incredibly strong with you, but that does not mean that their sexual desire for other people is not there anymore. Monogamy happens when two people are able to control those desires, and while it is possible to do so it is not necessarily natural. If people lowered their expectations a bit about sexual exclusivity then there is a real possibility that divorce rates would not be at 41% for first marriages, 60%for second marriages and 73% for third marriages.

Will Only Want You Forever