For the record, I am engaged to a lovely girl. She is not a vampire. How do I know this? First off, I am not dead / a vampire. But I also happen to be an expert on all things related to love and the living dead. You may have asked yourself this question, "is my boyfriend a vampire?" Well that entirely depends!
Pop culture has made out vampires to be sexy once again. Gone are the days of disgusting old Dracula lurking in the shadows and turning into a bat. Gone are the days of Wesley Snipes badass bloodsucker slaying. Vampires are now the object of many people's hearts! The vampire boyfriend, though romantic in theory, is a pretty bad idea.
This article is designed to make you stop asking "is my boyfriend a vampire", and start asking "if my boyfriend is a vampire, how do I slay him?"
Vampire Boyfriend: The Appeal
Alright. I'm going to try to wrap my mind around the appeal of the vampire boyfriend. When I first started dating my fiance, she began reading a particular series of novels. Pure fiction, these books revolved around some sexy vampires and werewolves (hint: movies filmed in the Pacific Northwest, stars a pasty British guy with spikey hair...).
I would argue that the vampire boyfriend (or girlfriend for that matter!) is overrated, and other mythical monster creatures are underrepresented in pop-culture. In the interest of fairness, let's weigh the pros and cons of vampire boyfriends, and pit them against their monster contemporaries.
Vampire Boyfriend: Pros
"Is my boyfriend a vampire? And if yes, what can I expect?" Well, I'm digging deep here, but there isn't a lot of promise.
First, expect paleness. The vampire boyfriend has pasty white skin and reddish eyes. Style-wise, they are naturally inclined towards goth or Matrix-nerd. Hair on a vampire boyfriend will likely be either ridiculously unkempt and spikey, or long, slicked back and smooth in that European weirdo sort of way.
Vampire boyfriends are pretty strong, and usually very old (what gal doesn't like an older man?), and they aren't usually intimidated in a fight. Some vampire boyfriends can turn into a bat, turn invisible, or fly around. Vampire boyfriends almost always come equipped with cool accents. I guess they don't like the taste of Texans or Minnesotans.
Vampire Boyfriend: Cons
Ok here we go. Vampire boyfriends will, very likely, try to suck your blood and kill you. Or turn you into a vampire.
Vampire boyfriends are terrible dates. They can't be out during the day, and they loath the sun (goodbye day at the beach). "Is my boyfriend a vampire?" I hope not for your sake, 'cause you won't be eating any spicy Thai with garlic. They hate that stuff!
Lifestyle trends of vampire boyfriends are unappealing. Sleeping in cold, stone coffins, growing long and pointy fingernails, and generally being sneaky and lurking around are not great indicators of a well-balanced individual.
With any vampire boyfriend, expect a prodigious amount of angst. These guys just can't stop being so emotional! Two out of every five vampire boyfriends moonlights as an acoustic singer / songwriter. It's part of the whole 'living dead' thing... there's a lot of baggage!
Vampire Boyfriend: A Comparison of Peers
Alright so is your boyfriend a vampire? The information above should be enough for you to figure that out. Now, if you must have a creepy monster as a boyfriend, why not be diligent in your choices and check out the alternatives?
Werewolves: easy comparison. They're pretty strong and creepy. Also enjoy eating humans, tend to be impulsive and instinctive. Body odor and hair in unwanted places can be a real problem. Don't get along well with vampires, so if your friend has a vampire boyfriend, say goodbye to double-date night.
Mummies: quiet, thoughtful types. They've had a lot of time to themselves and they are ready to party once again. They tend to be a little stiff and formal, and their style could use an update. Consider this a project: you can change him!
Swamp Thing: a real romantic at heart. Sure, he'll carry you off into his leech-infested bog, but compared to a moody vampire boyfriend, he's a real sweetheart. Don't let the slime, scales and fins put you off, still swamp-waters run deep.
Vampire Boyfriend: Not The Only Choice, Nor The Best
The vampire boyfriend has some real deficiencies. If you're stuck in a relationship where you suspect that your boyfriend is a vampire, consider stabbing him in the heart with a wooden stake and moving on!
Besides, the next monster boyfriend trend is just a terrible novel or two away! Wolfman? Frankenstein? There are a lot of choices!