So I have often wondered what it all means. I can't believe that I would be the only person out there to ponder this question. I'd say I've been through my share of mistakes, loves, spiritual crisis and so forth. I guess we all have. What keeps some of us going on? What stops some of us? What makes someone a good person as compared to a bad person? Dare I ask?
For me, my child keeps me going but I'll be honest. It's very tough at times. I love him so much but I have definitely contemplated taking the cowards way out and ending it all. Working a stressful job, managing a family, attempting to have a social life(I'm not doing a good job at this one), providing activities for my child. It adds up after a while and takes its toll. I've often wondered how so many woman do it? I see the stay at home moms from my child's school and they all seem so happy and secretly I'm jealous. But I imagine they probably have many or at least some of the same issues I have. Are any of us really happy at the end of the day? I often wonder if happiness exists. Am I broken because I can't feel it? I haven't felt it in ages and frankly I don't think I remember what it is.
I often question the same about Love. Does love exist? I don't think love between a husband and wife exists. I think it's a mirage that society has duped us into believing. A knight in shining armor is going to come and sweep us away. Sorry gals.. Doesn't exist. Love, as we define the feeling, is a chemical reaction in the brain which we feel when we are young and "in Love" or old and "in Love". What keeps that going? When does it fade? I started to think that the love between a mother and child is the only true love. When my child was born. I remember being more in love then I ever was with my husband or any other man. The feeling was beyond overwhelming. But was/is it love? Obviously I will do anything for my child, but there are alot of women out there who don't care about their child. Is my Love for my child simply a chemical reaction in my brain that I have no control over? Is it simply for the survival of the species? Does thinking like this take all the mystery out of life and cause one to just hurl deeper into a state of depression and loss of purpose?