You may wonder what on Earth you are doing allowing yourself to be involved with someone who suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and what you can do to improve the situation between you and your spouse. However, you need to understand that it is unlikely that he will change. It's your attitude that needs to change if you stand any chance at all of making the relationship work. Why your attitude? Let me try and explain to you what happens in a relationship with a man who suffers from this disorder.
Why He Picked You
You may think that he picked you because of your weakness but that weakness may be something you started to exhibit long after the relationship began. You see, narcissists don't choose partners who are weak. They choose high performance people who make them look good.
Therefore, if you were chosen by a Narcissist, it was based upon your strengths rather than your weaknesses. He wanted someone who made him look good. Forget about the idea that you don't have the strength to deal with him. The very nature of the kind of woman he would choose means that you do. The problem is that he has probably worn down that strong part of your personality and you are not sure how to get it back. That's where this article will help you.
Keeping Your Independence
Often people who are married to a Narcissistic husband cannot see beyond the current situation. They are afraid of being rejected. However, the nature of the relationship should tell you that you have room to try new things. He depends upon you and therefore isn't likely to stop you from being independent if you choose to take this route. He is likely to show the temperamental side of his character, but as long as violence directed toward you physically has never been a part of the situation, try exercising your independence and if he puts up an argument, walk away.
The thing is that Narcissists don't really feel things in the same way as others. They are unlikely to hold grudges until you come home again. By the time you do come home from whatever event you chose to go to, he will have forgotten that you argued in the first place. He think only of HIS immediate needs and doesn't really use retrospective thought very much at all. In fact, he is probably so busy planning his supper that he won't even notice your return.
Getting Used To The Lies
Men with this condition cannot help telling lies. You have to accept that it's part of his nature. He can make you feel very special in one moment and can make you feel worthless in the next. The problem is that what keeps the relationship going is that you understand what love is and he doesn't. You may love that person who made you feel so special and singled out, but you will suffer emotionally when he decides that he wants to be unfaithful.
He doesn't see it as betrayal. He sees it as his right. He will lie and he will be a pathological liar. This is the kind of man who tells you he is wearing blue jeans when you know that they are black. You can't win in a situation such as this and the lies get more and more elaborate when you try. You have a decision to make as to whether lies are an acceptable thing, bearing in mind that these may have stemmed from his disorder.
How You Can Make It Work
You need to develop a thick skin. If you love the guy and can't do anything about that love and you don't have the nerve to leave, then accept that he has a disorder. When he is loving and kind, accept it because he will shower you with the type of love people dream about. His attention to detail is exquisite. He can make you feel like a Goddess. However, accept that there are going to be times when you don't fit that Goddess role and when he sees you as getting in the way of allowing him to do what he wants to do. Don't argue about his infidelity. It won't stop it from happening. Accept it, or walk away from the relationship. Men with this disorder can be unfaithful right into their later years, so don't even think it's something he is going to grow out of. Learn to be independent and to have friends. He will try to isolate you from those friendships, but if you have chosen to make the marriage work, you will need all the friends you can muster.
Be who you are. Don't let him cut you down to size. That's easier said than done but, with practice, you can make it happen. Learn not to argue. You will never win, but you can state your opinion when in company and it may shock him how much you add to his life by being the person you are.
Long term psychotherapy is the only treatment for your man's condition. However, it is rare that a man with this condition will actually admit to having a problem. You cannot change him. Don't even try. You have a choice to accept the imperfection or to walk away from it, but you certainly will not change it.
Make Your Choice
If you can live with this kind of controller and enjoy the attention he lavishes upon you, you may be able to overlook the fact that he corrects you at every chance he gets. Have you ever been told off for "talking in cliches?" That is one of the favorite expressions of a Narcissist and the reason is because he isn't as intelligent as you are and it's his way of making himself feel superior. However, the fun you get from the relationship and the depth of the love you share may be sufficient to get you over all the hurdles. If it isn't, walk away.
You will not change him. If you love him to the extent that you are prepared to accept his disorder, work your life around him, rather than allowing him to organize your life. He will if he is left to it. If you make it clear that your independence is something you are not prepared to compromise, you can make it work.
He thinks that everything is on his terms. Let him know that it's also going to be on your terms. He is unlikely to walk away because Narcissists have a need for someone in their lives and you are it. Be someone you are proud of and it follows that he will see you as someone who makes him look good too. That's all he wants from a relationship and you may just have found the state of compromise that you need in order to survive your marriage.