Judging by the contents of trashy celebrity magazines, it seems that 99% of celebrities have either had treatment at a fancy rehab centre or are currently battling addiction. And not to mention anyone in particular—cough cough Lindsay Lohan—but for some, rehab is an annual event that’s more like a vacay that real treatment. Think plush, chihuahua-friendly accommodation that promises security and anonymity.
Most people have a mild obsession with celebrities (it’s normal, I promise), but the tidal wave of gossip doesn’t give people an accurate sense of what really happens during intervention and rehab. Is it all ocean views and gourmet cuisine? Not a chance.
Here’s a worst case scenario: One celebrity retreat in the UK, which was the centre of choice for Amy Winehouse, Jonathan Rhys Meyers and even members of Britain’s most aristocratic families, was shut down because it was not only treating people illegally, but also dangerously.
Most famous centers aren’t that bad, but it’s a good example of how the vacation aspect of celebrity rehab detracts from the actual healing process.
But because we love celebrities so darn much, here’s a peek at where they disappear to while trying to get clean:
Famous Alumni: Lindsay Lohan, Eva Mendes, Mary-Kate Olsen, Kirsten Dunst
Famous Price: $26,000/month
You know a rehab centre is really into itself when they name drop on their own website. According to their location description, Cirque Lodge is “on a private road overlooking Robert Redford’s famed Sundance ski resort.” On the bottom of that page, there is a photo of a private helicopter parked next to their facility. Hmmm. How fancy.
Other than spying on Robert Redford and partying at the Sundance Film Festival, guests can use the 17,000 foot multi-media indoor ropes and challenge course (do they watch movies while climbing around?) and enjoy saunas, therapeutic Jacuzzis and exercise and rec rooms.
Famous Alumni: Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Robert Downey Jr., Ben Affleck, Charlie Sheen
Famous Price: $49,000/month
Promises has been under fire for providing physician and medical services even though they don’t have a license to do so, and have thus been described as more of public relations rehab centre than a place for addictions treatment. Regardless, the setting is lux. Promises is located in Malibu and overlooks the Pacific Ocean. There are gardens, swimming pools, Jacuzzis, tennis courts and gourmet meals. And because Promises realizes how awesomely important their guests are, they let them have unrestricted contact with the outside world. Dogs are welcome too, and the website even mentions the existence of a gourmet food store nearby where celebs can buy organic food for their non-slumming pets.
Famous Alumni: Tiger Woods, Kate Moss, Elle MacPherson, Whitney Houston
Famous Price: Almost $1000/day
Set in the peaceful Arizona desert, the Meadows is a 14-acre complex that offers the ultimate in privacy and confidentiality. But, it’s a far cry from doggy daycare and round-the-clock Blackberry access. There’s a pool, but it’s surrounded by an anti-suicide fence and patients aren’t allowed to swim alone. There are no TVs, newspapers, cell phones or magazines, and you can forget about prancing around in Prada or Gucci. All clothes, including underwear, must be as loose and as utilitarian as possible. Spandex is not allowed. Seriously.
Famous Alumni: Michael Jackson, Liza Minnelli, Billy Joel, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Mariah Carey
Famous Price: $1200/day
Silver Hill looks like a romantic country inn, but according to Billy Joel, who checked in for alcohol abuse, it’s a dump with gross food. Regardless, Silver Hill is actually legit. Celebrities head there not only because of its spotless confidentiality record, but also because it’s a serious, not-for-profit program. There’s a pool, but it’s not surrounded by palm trees and it doesn’t overlook Oprah’s horse farm. You can use the computers, but only during your free time. Oh, and if you’re wondering why Mariah checked in, it’s reportedly becauase she heard Marilyn Monroe’s voice coming from her piano.
Famous Alumni: Britney Spears, Colin Farrell, Whitney Houston
Famous Price: $24,000/month
With its idyllic setting on the West Indies island of Antigua, Crossroads has the awesomest location of the bunch. But its beachfront locale isn’t the best part--Eric Clapton founded Crossroads! A real live celebrity! Aside from the super-celeb factor, this treatment centre offers a 12-step recovery model plus massage, hydrotherapy, acupuncture, meditation and yoga. The pool ain’t so bad, either.
Famous Alumni: David Hasselhoff, Mel Gibson, Stephen Baldwin, Andy Dick
Famous Price: $90,000/month
You know you’re more celebrity-focused than rehab-focused when you let MTV tour your facility. That’s weird. Some celebs have even brought their assistants and maids with them, but I guess when you’re forking over $3,000 a day you should be able to do whatever you want. Aside from treatment, patients have access to a library, a media room with flat-screen TVs, a meditative koi pond plus acupuncture, hypnotherapy and metaphysical classes. As well, the kitchen will cater to your needy vegetarian/vegan/macrobiotic/raw diet.